Devastated

[Ed1975]

TRIGGER WARNING

Today is one of the lowest points of my life.

Trigger Warning: Death

Content/trigger warning

I had a brother who was born in 1976, 1ye younger than me. He was born handicapped and my father (he was a bastard) had his machine turned off after 4 days without my mothers input. We were always told as kids and growing up that he was buried with a women in the same hospital who lost her life giving birth to her child. We were told that my parents weren't allowed to know the burial site as only the women's name could be on the gravestone. I said to my parents back in my 20's that I'd try and look for his burial site. I was met with anger and threats. I've tried on and off for 30yrs to find him.

Today, I finally found him. He was buried in a common grave in Birmingham in the UK. Possibly with 10 to 20 other people. It cost my parents £3 f'ing pounds to dispose of my brother in a mass grave.

I'm absolutely devastated. 

Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse

Content/trigger warning

I don't want any sympathy for my parents, they were serial liars and my father was an evil bastard who caused the death of my brothers twin sister after beating my mother while she was pregnant. 

I don't even know why I'm writing here. I don't even know how to feel right now.

I'm sorry if I breach guidelines. 

[MJG017]

I'm sorry @Ed1975, it must be such a difficult thing to learn about your brother.  It's okay to not know how you feel about it.  You obviously care for your brother and just wanted the best for him, so what you found must be quite upsetting.

I know it's not the same, but i found my original birth records 4 years ago to track down my biological family.  I found out that I had an older sister who was also adopted out.  Apparently she dies at 18 months old.  I didn't even know she existed before learning this, but it hit me quite hard.  I felt like I missed her and it felt like a fresh pain and loss to me, even though it happened about 55 years ago.  Its hard when you can't even really understand what all these feelings are when you find out something shocking like this, even if it was a long time ago.  Like your brother, it may have been a long time ago, but finding out the truth is new and so it's very confusing trying to make sense of it all.  Maybe you wrote it here as just a way to try to find some sense in it all.  

You looked for him for all those years and finally found him.  Yes, with some very difficult and emotional truths, but you cared enough to keep looking until you found him.  I feel like that honours his existence in a way that others failed to do.  And I think that's important and matters a lot.  You've given him something that he's deserved for so long.

[Appleblossom]

@Ed1975its significant and it matters. Your post honours your brother and your grief journey, and lets us know more about your story. Thank you. I don’t support your post cos I like it, it’s so much deeper. I support your right to share what you need to share.

I don’t know why I post sometimes. I hope it helps by…not stuffing your complex feelings down inside.

Condolences for your brother who died long ago.

[Ed1975]

@Appleblossom 

Thank you.

[Appleblossom]

Grief can be so complicated @Ed1975 the love, memories, the reasons, the rage, the tears…..

[Dimity]

All of your brothers deserve recognition and respect @Ed1975 . In finding the records of the littlest one you're honouring his memory and proving you're a good person and a decent human being.

I hope you can feel some peace in that.

[Ed1975]

@Dimity yes, I do. It's a massive weight lifted that I'd carried most my life. Just being able to see his approximate location is amazing. It's definitely one of my few highlights this past few months.