Frank Discussion of BPD: *WARNING* May be confronting

[Kurra]

@Former-Member
If you take away the supposed diagnosis from the behaviour your ex displayed, what would you call it? As far as I can see from what you've written, diagnosis or not thete is only one phrase it that adequately describes it. 💕

[Phoenix_Rising]

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@soul wrote:

I think the difference in the situation with myself and @Former-Member is that our ex's were perpetrators of violence. Can BPD and domestic violence co exist or are they two separate issues? During that classic domestic violence cycle when a honeymoon phase follows a violent incident, what goes through the mind? Are they genuinely remorseful or is it a case of she will leave me if I don't apologise and try to make it up thus alleviating that possibility of abandonment?

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Hi again @soul,

I'm afraid I have no answers re. your question about the circle of violence. I have no idea what drives that circle. I imagine that it is probably different for different individuals - i.e. some may apologise out of genuine remorse and some may apologise out of a fear of being abandoned. I really don't know. It would be interesting to have that conversation with perpetrators of violence.

What I do know is that the intense emotion dysregulation, the fear of abandonment, the poor concept of self etc. that are the diagnostic criteria of BPD do not make anybody violent. Someone can ALWAYS choose whether they punch a wall or punch a person. I have not yet learnt how to use my calm voice when I am flooded - hence I can be very loud. People find this scary, and in that way, I recognise that I still do harm. Also, I certainly haven't learnt how to sit calmly with the giant feelings. If I am enraged, I need to get that big feeling out. However, as I said, I will get it out by hitting my pillow on my bed or something like that. So yeah, my actions can be very loud and very chaotic...which I know some people do perceive as violence. But to me, although this is far from ideal, it is still a long way from doing physical harm to others.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising,

I'm really really tired, but as it's not yet 8pm and therefore too early for bed I'm online. Just a few minutes till it's okay to call it a night!

But I disagree about MI being about trauma based model and not a medical model. I personally think I have both - a neurochecmial problem that I treat with medications - that responds really well to medications, and that therapy didn't do a thing to help; and a trauma-based psychological set of problems that doesn't respond to medications and I'm hoping therapy will help. 

And I think that thinking of the two as a dichotomy isn't right either. More of a bit of a mish mash for most people. 

But I genuinely *do* think that MI (as in the medical model) exists, but that it's a lot lot rarer than doctors think, and I totally agree with you that the majority of our services should incorporate trauma informed care. And whilst it would be more expensive in the short term, I think in the long term it would be highly beneficial. 

Thanks for the conversations on this guys. It's been really interesting. 

I'll share my story: which I will never ever tell anyone in real life - but when I was first in the mental health system I was diagnosed with BPD and was effectively denied any form of treatment. I was literally spat out by the mental health system and left to die. No medication, no therapy, no psychologist or psychiatrist appointments. Just assessed and told to go home and die. Which I very nearly did. The stupid hospital then saved my life. Then a few weeks later spat me out again. And around and around until some bright spark put me on medication. 

I had to change states to be re-assessed and offered that medication and I'm lucky that my current diagnosis doesn't carry the same stigma, but the way I was treated before was truely horrific. I only wish I had of gone to AHPRA and complained about each and every instance of negligance, stigma and maltreatment. The fact that it still goes on shocks me. 

[Former-Member]

Kurra Wrote:

"@Tookyspookims
If you take away the supposed diagnosis from the behaviour your ex displayed, what would you call it? As far as I can see from what you've written, diagnosis or not thete is only one phrase it that adequately describes it. 💕 "

I'm sorry @Kurra I have tried and tried to understand what you are saying here... and I'm thick or something because I can't get what you are meaning.  Sorry.  Wayne Kerr?  lol  that's one word though not a phrase, so not sure what you are meaning.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member 💕
The message I wrote last night, in the middle of the night was here.
Took me ages to write and was difficult to share.
I don't understand why it disappeared. There was no explanation at all. ?????? 😮😣

Can mods please explain if I wrote something wrong, please. Thankyou.
It's hard spending time sharing something personal/difficult then have it disappear without knowing. I didn't know it had disappeared until @Former-Member mentioned it.

Thankyou for replying on your clip art thread this morning 😙 Tooky. 😊

I'm glad you got out of the abusive situation. Mine went on for years and it was a trap. He was an expert at lying etc.

When I thought about it I should have sent an ambulance to save him, it was another one of his traps, but finally that time it didn't work. 😀

I Hope that you have a lovely day today..
Are you ok? 💟

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member 😀👋 I noticed you're there this morning.

Any ideas why my message was deleted last night?
It didn't think I wrote anything wrong.
I've read alot more triggering messages on the forums. Amazingly triggering.
Curious as to why mine was deleted.

Please see above message. Thankyou. 😊👍🌷🌼🌺

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

I was just typing you a message! I just saw your post and am looking into it for you right now. I'll let you know once I get to the bottom of it and send you an email. Sound okay?

supernova.

[Change123]

Hi @Former-Member@Former-Member@Former-Member@Phoenix_Rising@Former-Member@Former-Member

I hope you dont mind me jumping in on this thread.

I found being diagnosed was good and bad.  The good was that ok I finally knew what was wrong with me but the bad things was as soon as I was open with my diagnosis people changed around me, I wrote a post ealier on how the ED treated me when I went in for the first time to seek help as I was worried I would SI or do something else reckless and impulsive.  So now I dont tell people at all.  I found once I stopped trying to beat BPD it became easier for me, (refer emtional discipline thread) I would concentrate on one thing at a time ie. stop raging control the rage, dont take things so personally etc etc.  I would try one of the disciplines every day and would just work towards doing that and not even thinking about conquering BPD just those traits and if I succeeded I would reward myself.  Now I feel a lot more incontrol - I still have my bad days and know deep down that I will always struggle with BPD but I'm learning to get over those bad days and learn from them.  With rage its not often now that I rage out, I can control those feelings pretty well and usually need to work off the rage by doing something physical to tire myself out.  I also ask the question as my rage comes from the place of not "being heard/ understood or thinking its personal" i try to think it out rationally ie, would they really think that of me, do I really care, etcetc.  I found also not being on the forums too much has helped of late - in the beginning I think I really needed this place to sort out my head but now I feel I get bogged down in the "BPD" world and thats when I start to slide down again. What I mean by that is you read all the forums, you get involved with the people and their issues and before you know you start doing the faulty thinking because you feel empathy for that person even if they are really in the wrong.  Then you start making excuses for yourself and others when sometimes tough discipline is the way to go.

Good discussion!

[soul]

@Change123 - really appreciate your insight. I have been the victim of my partner's rage and often wonder what his thinking was at the time. He can't or won't tell me. Says he wasn't thinking at all or that he "lost his mind"

 Are you aware that you are getting angry? Are you able to calm yourself? Was there a point of no turning back with you and nothing could settle with down? What would have helped during those experiences?

[Former-Member]

@Change123  I think you are amazingly strong.  Thankyou for telling us your road to recovery story.  I do not know what it took for you to clear your mind enough to not only recognise what you needed to do, but lso follow through and do it.  I can see also the decision to try to break the cycle by pulling back a little from the crutch of the forum culd help too, but like I said, it all just shows how motivated and determined you were/are to break that cycle.  

You are learning to control it rather than it controlling you, that must be an incredibly empowering feeling and you should genuinely be very proud of youself.  I think anyone who does that must be a very strong person.  Thankyou for sharing.