I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It’s been life long @Jynx. It’s just getting worse as time goes by. I will go to the beach every afternoon on my own. I’ll need the time out. Plus we have to have dinner one night with my brother and mum has nothing good to say about him except for when he is in the room and then it’s all against me. 

I will need somewhere to vent! 

I hope it’s a corner. I am working hard for it to be. I’m holding onto hope that I can actually make it to the other side. I’m kinda can see it. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ugh.... so much dysfunction. I really feel for you, and I feel for them too, can't imagine super happy healthy people would spend that much time sniping at each other. And you don't deserve to have it taken out on you either. Yes please utiilise this space to vent as much as you need!! Whether you need someone to hold the space and reassure you it's all gonna be ok, or you need someone to allow you a nice, snarky, tea-spilling session where we critically pull apart all the crap they've said and make fun of em for it, we gotchu!!

Ohhhh heck yes Cap!! Your narrative is shifting!! And because YOU believe in it being a corner, in you MAKING it a corner, then it's gonna be a GOSH DARN CORNER! Because you are more powerful than you realise!! You got this 💪

Can't tell you how much it makes my heart soar to read the hopefulness in your words Cap 💜😊

[Captain24]

Today has been a bit of a struggle. I started the day ok and managed to do some things this morning. I got some washing done, packed a couple of things for holidays, went to physio and to my CM appointment. 

This afternoon I started a new Lego but then all I wanted to do is go to bed so I’ve slept all afternoon. 

My CM appointment was pretty short. She had an emergency happening in ED. She came to see me while rushing around to ask me an ‘inappropriate’ question (her words). She asked if I had any smokes. The lady that was in ED was desperate for a smoke but didn’t grab hers when she was bought in by ambulance. So I asked her if she wanted me to go home and get some. She said she would appreciate it. So I did. My CM told the patient that she owes me. But I just said to pay it forward. 

My CM could only see me for 15mins due to what was happening. I could understand that, what was happening in ED was more important. I did ask for tips for my afternoons except I didn’t do it . 😢 I also asked about the Deja vu moments and she said is part of anxiety. At least I got some answers. I do hope that that girl is ok.

[Jynx]

Aww @Captain24 bless your heart! I hope she's okay too - and maybe she's just a little more okay cos she got a much needed dart!!

I'm not even overemphasising this I mean you prolly have felt it too right, the horrible irritable rage of nicotine withdrawal? You've ensured that woman doesn't have to bear that on top of everything else 😊

How do you feel about that answer re: the deja vu moments?

[Captain24]

The nicotine withdrawal, the fear of being locked in that room, being put under an order, not knowing what is going to happen… that’s a lot of stress. @Jynx. My CM said she really appreciated it. 

I think that’s an ok answer. My anxiety is quite high and the more it happens the higher my anxiety. Since it’s only happening at work she thinks it’s the fact that subconsciously I am worried about what they are thinking of me being in hospital. Do I still have their support, are they judging me? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aye for sure, double good on ya!!

Oh true, didn't realise it was only happening at work. She makes more sense than any of my thoughts 😅 But honestly that just goes to show how important and impactful our narratives can be!!

In any case, sounds like that makes sense for you, and I hope with that understanding comes some relief! Did you n your CM talk at all about what to do when you feel that way?

[Captain24]

Nah we didn’t @Jynx. It was a really quick appointment. She needed to go. I’m wishing I had asked her that though. We didn’t even make another appointment. She was waiting for a Pdoc to ring her to lift the order on the girl in ED.

Im hoping that if it’s anxiety I’ve regained the power of them. Just tell myself it’s anxiety and move on. I’m getting better at talking to myself. I still have a very long way to go though. 

I did say to my CM that I really am trying to get better. I thought I was trying before but this is different. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 that is so awesome to hear hun!! And yeah I have often found that naming it does tend to disempower anxiety a bit. Even just saying to yourself like 'I know it might seem scary to get this feeling, but it's just my anxiety - trying to protect me in the only way it knows how, even if that isn't helpful right now'

Or something! More powerful in your own words after all!

Anywho I am about to head off for the night so thought I'd bid you the fairest of wells! 😋 Hope tonight is a nice restful slumber, and maybe catch you tomorrow!! 💜

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx 

I hope you have a great evening. 

[Captain24]

My meds have made me stumble when I walk. It’s like I’m drunk. My head feels like it too.