Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Yesterday was a nightmare, I cannot begin to explain how but again I am full of disappointment and hopelessness.

I took some medication to help me sleep because it was so bad, and slept until about 12:00pm today, then napped again at around 4:00pm, I just kept following the lull of sleep and just did not feel like waking up; especially when life is a nightmare. Eventually got up and had my dinner but during my nap I had a dream.

I dreamt of the experiences and aspects of human life, my brain looking for meaning and purpose. It came to the conclusion that there is no purpose or meaning, just the unrelenting existence and reality of life until I die. I feel more numb than before, I fall further and further every day, into the pit, and sinking deeper into the quicksand of life.

It seems that it just does not matter what happens to me or with me, I do not matter, everyone in my life has shown me time and time again. I am just something to take from, receive from, lean on, cry on, use and then leave behind.

I stopped caring long ago, I simply exist. My dog is the one and only I hold onto.

[TideisTurning]

That sounds like quite a tough dream to be dealing with on top of everything else you're going through @Former-Member. I'm sorry to hear things are so rough right now. If what you're experiencing starts to feel too distresssing, please don't hesitate to reach out for support, because you don't deserve to go through this on your own. There's Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467) or Sane also has a Helpcentre you can access if you'd just like to speak with someone 1:1 non-urgently. I hope things improve for you soon and sitting with you in the mean time. Take care 🌼 

[Former-Member]

@TideisTurning thank you

[Appleblossom]

Maybe most of us go through a period when we realise how big the world is, and how insignificant we are as individuals.  @Former-Member 

For some reason I have not tipped those feelings over into being cynical.  I have been burnt a lot cos of naivety, yet still have some optimism.  I hope you find some positives in your path.

Apple

[Mazarita]

Sorry you are feeling so low in mood, @Former-Member. The meaning and purpose of life is the ultimate mystery as I see it. I still do not understand why any of us, any of anything, exists at all. These sorts of questions have been part of my regular thinking most of my life. Those lines of thinking may be part of why I feel I have suffered a lot mentally and emotionally over a lifetime. Or it could be the other way around, that my mental and emotional states lead me to these questions.

I am not religious, but lately I've been leaning more towards my personal spirituality. Finding wonderment in everyday observations that at times uplift me, the sense of being part of everything, meant to be here even if I do not understand why. In a way we are all loved by the universe we are part of simply because we are here.

This may not make any sense. I'm trying to find words for something that can give some solace and uplift in spirit, even if my conscious mind finds it hard to define. It may in any case be better to avoid trying to define something vastly greater than myself. I guess I'm talking about some kind of faith that there is a meaning to everything, beyond our comprehension.

Nightmares can really affect mood. Hope you sleep well tonight and wake feeling better in the morning. 

[Former-Member]

Thank you everyone @Mazarita @Appleblossom @TideisTurning 

I am not sure what else to say but that.

[Former-Member]

I do not know what to do anymore, I have tried for so long but today I just kept thinking about what happened on Thursday and everything else in my life; that no one has ever done right by me, only ever used me. The thoughts kept swarming and my anger keeps growing, it feels so infuriating and frustrating to be let down by everyone and then have them take no responsibility or care at all and put it all back on me and tell me just to move on .

Even my therapist has said that I never had a chance at getting better with the life I had and the way it continues, but I do not have the resources or money to actually move on; somehow I am supposed to do that despite all the setbacks and disadvantages I have had.

Yes I know it is my responsibility to get my life together, but how can I when I never received what I needed, when I lost so much; time, money, compassion, love, freedom, and sleep? What is there is left? What can I do with the little I have? How can I?

No one (in my life) seems to understand that or care, not even the professionals or other community services that were supposed to help me. I cried for help and all I got was the same old tired lines; no offers to help.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Why did no one do anything when I needed them?

I see so many others with unconditional support and love from others, what did I do to deserve this? To lose so badly in life?

All I needed was someone to do right by me, but no one cared. Why am I here then?

Why?

[Shaz51]

Keep on keeping on my friend @Former-Member , sometimes  it feels soo  hard

My husband has had soo many diagnosis over his life and the latest is bi polar 2 and specialist  always say that they are not sure how to help him 

Soo keeping  in touch with us and taking one step at a time 

And having things that helps us with the things we like to do 

@Mazarita , @Appleblossom , 

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Shaz51 

[Jynx]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling overwhelmed by it all @Former-Member . Sometimes it feels impossible to find the energy to keep going... but sometimes we have to stop so we can try again another day. 

I do hope you can give yourself a break, let yourself just be for a while. You have us here behind you the whole way.