Really in a bad way but too afraid to talk to professionals for fear of them locking me up

[Jlol]

Hey all,

Sorry I feel uncomfortable writing this. And, as usual, I'm not writing this to be provocative or break any rules or cause any mods discomfort.

Content/trigger warning

For various reasons I'm really, really in a bad way and "unaliving" is a very persistent thought/pressure. 
I do have a GP and counsellor but don't feel comfortable mentioning "unaliving" to them due to their duty of care rules which require them to call the police and have me locked up in hospital.

I understand this is not an exact rule and different professionals have different tolerances and attitudes towards locking you up, but as this has happened a number of times to me before I do not want to risk it and don't feel comfortable with it.

I also note that different states have different approaches to this, but where I live if a health professional decides you are too at risk you are "arrested" by the police, taken away in a paddy wagon, and locked up. A system that is not very conducive to recovery, but I digress.

I've called crisis services [edited by moderator] a few times, as they're the only help line that allows you to call with a blocked number, but it has not been as helpful now that things have gotten worse.

So, what can I do if I am "nearing the danger zone"? I just want to openly talk about this problem without the risk of having these horrible interventions happen. How is it meant to work if you're both encouraged to talk to people but also punished for doing so?

Sorry, just pretty desperate.

[rav3n]

hey @Jlol i'm sorry to hear that things have gotten more overwhelming lately, and i can see this took a lot of courage to share. 

i have a few questions i'd like to ask so i can get a better picture - has something been happening/happened to make those feelings more overwhelming recently?

i know you've mentioned wanting to talk openly without having interventions placed, i am curious to know, what do you hope to get out of the open conversation? is there a particular type of support you're wanting from the person you speak to? (i.e. validation, referral, strategies/tools, etc)

how do you feel about reaching out to your local Mental health crisis support / CATT, is it an option you feel okay with keeping as a backup for when you feel unsafe?

there's also Urgent Mental Health Care Centre in Adelaide, i wish there was more around Australia. they offer supports that are an 'alternative' to emergency departments.

p.s. i've edited your post to add content warnings and remove named services (i replaced this with 'crisis lines') - if you're unhappy with any of these edits, please feel free to reach out.

[Jlol]

Hi @rav3n,

Thanks for your reply.

Content/trigger warning

To answer your question "has something been happening/happened to make those feelings more overwhelming recently?" - No. Nothing I can think of. Just sick of living and life and want to be brave enough to "get out of it" so badly.

"i know you've mentioned wanting to talk openly without having interventions placed, i am curious to know, what do you hope to get out of the open conversation?" Well, feeling safe for one and not being retaliated against for having this illness. Not being stressed about watching every word I say.

Look, I'm not opposed to interventions, but am opposed to the kind of interventions some states use. 

"how do you feel about reaching out to your local Mental health crisis support / CATT, is it an option you feel okay with keeping as a backup for when you feel unsafe?" I looked up this link and it has the same links to support numbers I have already called. It mentions my state's MH crisis support number which I have called a few times. All this is (in my state) is a service that tells you to call the other NGOs listed on the same page. I assume other states are better, but not the one I live in.

As I mentioned, I've already called these numbers a lot over the past few days. There simply isn't help available there.

No issues from me on the post edits.

[rav3n]

appreciate you sharing @Jlol, i can hear how exhausting it's been for you and it makes perfect sense to want to share your honest thoughts/feelings without any filters or worry. 

i'll have a chat with some of the mods (they might reach out here soon) and also i'll look into some alternate options for you as this isn't an area i'm super knowledgeable in. know that we're still thinking of you 💙

[tyme]

Awwww @Jlol ,

I typed up a big post and lost it all. So here goes it again.

@Jlol , 

I wonder if you can be open and honest about things when you speak to helplines - Just like you have been here.

TW: SI

Content/trigger warning

For example, "I am feeling XYZ - this feeling of doom so that I want to 'unalive' myself. I am calling because I want to work through these feelings - not because I want an escalation to emergency services"

I want you to know that I can relate very much to what you have shared. Let's just say I've had my fair share of paddy wagons and escalations. And yes, they had a place, but I'm also mindful of how traumatic the experience can be.

Please know you are not alone in this, mate. I hear how hard it is.

Thank you for being so open and honest.

However, if you feel you need that additional help, we encourage you to go to the emergency department or contact 000 - if you feel that's needed.

[Aaaal]

Hi, 

im sorry to hear how you’re feeling and I can only assume your position is very different to mine but I just want you to know I totally understand how hard it is to get the right help, any time Ive reached out to help lines Ive felt dismissed and not taken seriously, and then they time out on you, I’ve rang crisis lines [edited by moderator] before, they are brief and only listen without giving any real advice and then ask if their information was helpful, if you say not really ( when it honestly isn’t ) I was told maybe I shouldn’t call there again!! Way to push you over the edge right? this just leaves you feeling worse than you did before you called! I hope you can find the help you’re looking for, the whole system is outdated, take care and don’t give up!

[DogMan79]

Hi Jlol

these things can be difficult. Your own history will impact the way your team approach these things. Some conditions are associated with high impulsivity, while others not so much. Someone with depression and schizophrenia might be unlikely to act on  urges. While somebody with a different diagnosis might be expected to act erratically

And for some people, once a note is on your medical file, especially if it includes a history of admissions or actions, then it can become difficult to escape your past and be treated as a regular patient

[AlwaysMyself]

Hey @Jlol , im really sorry that your experience so far has been of crisis workers escalating rather than just listening to you when you need to talk it out. 

I forget who it was on the forum, but they mentioned to me a non-clinical peer group support meeting for people experiencing SI (and/or carers, etc). Its called "Alt2su" - https://alt2su-nsw.net/support-groups/

Its not a crisis line, its scheduled meetings. But you can talk about it freely without any worry of being escalated to emergency services - they dont have the "duty of care" requirements that clinical organisations have.

I wonder if that is an option for you?

Currently all their sessions are online zoom, so they can be accessed anywhere in Aus. 😊

These forums can also be a safe place to express what's on your mind that's causing these thoughts if you would like to (noting that they are open publically, but not linked other than to your username). If you need someone to listen, acknowledge, validate, and show they care. Or if you want to run perspectives on events that are impacting you past others to see if people have any advice or wisdom or insights to spitball. 

I hope you can find some support meeting what you need - whether its here or elsewhere, or a combo of both.

There's even a whole "hub" space for people to post about managing thoughts of SH and SI, so dont feel you are alone or its too taboo here.

[Jlol]

Thanks @AlwaysMyself 

I checked out  https://alt2su-nsw.net/support-groups/ but was unsure about the groups. There's one for LGBTQ+ and one for women, neither of which fit me. The 3rd one is called "Newtown". Do you know what that means? (Also, I'm not from NSW if that matters).

[AlwaysMyself]

Newtown is a suburb in Sydney, but now that its on Zoom rather than in person (from what it says I assume they used to meet in person in Newtown) its open to anyone in Aus. 🙂

I used to live in Sydney and always felt Newtown was a nice place - a bit alternative to the mainstream back then! 😋 but consistently difficult to find parking in 🤣.

How are you doing today? (Or when you read this)