Riding a wave

[Shaz51]

I am with you too @Phoenix_Rising 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I find the less I talk talk, the harder it is becoming when I need to do it. This super scares me. Now that we are finally through the Christmas period, I am back at my volunteering gig on Fridays and my violin lesson, so I get to talk talk then. 

I super wish you could find a volunteer gig that works for you bookish. Mine works because it is only one day per week, during term times. There are so very many volunteering adventures out there. Would it be helpful to talk through the things about a volunteering gig that would be tricky for you or would I just be saying stuff that you've heard a bazillion times before (and thus would understandably bug you).

[Catcakes]

Having been ‘banned’ many times myself @Phoenix_Rising... I know how scary this might feel 😣

[Former-Member]

Thanks, @Phoenix_Rising, but I can’t even really be here. The ‘you do not matter’ messages are really loud right now and coming from every direction (including the NDIA who tell me I’m not wonky at all, so they won’t help me).

I need to log out, I just wanted you to know that I hear you. I always hear you. And your news made my heart hurt a lot. I wish I could fix the brokenness of the world.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you @NikNik. It's ok that I'm a little wonky turtle isn't it. It's not because I'm bad that I can't call the HC. I'm just too wonky. It's ok to be wonky isn't it. I super wish I'd never left Fred. I was infinitely safer when I was with him, than I will ever be again. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Catcakes thank you. I guess the difference between you and me is that you have a partner and kids. I have nobody. The nobody-ness is really really really hard - as @Former-Member knows. It is hard to feel like you matter when the objective reality is that if you die, no one will even notice here in the real world. Having literally nobody is very different to feeling alone but actually having people in your world. I'm not saying one is better or worse, but they are vastly different experiences. It strikes me that there are a lot of people here in Forum Land who feel alone, but objectively aren't. There seem to be very few of us who genuinely are alone in this world. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

That's ok @Former-Member. I super look forward to the next time you appear here in Forum Land. Super big thank you for dropping by. 

From what I can tell, a LOT of people are being told by the NDIA that they aren't wonky at all. I am really sorry you are one of those people. I so badly wish I could fix the brokenness of the world too, bookish. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I am trying my super hardest to be brave, but it's super super super hard to feel ok about being me when the objective reality is that no one can stand being around me, even on the end of the phone. It has been like this since 1996. There have been a thousand experiences just like this one. Fred was right all along - nobody can cope with me. It's super hard to keep telling myself I'm ok, when the objective reality is that no one thinks I'm ok enough for them to want to spend time with me here in the real world - even via phone. How do I feel ok about being me, when that is the reality of my world?

[Former-Member]

Good afternoon @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @Catcakes @Shaz51 and anyone else stopping by 🙂

@Phoenix_Rising I think that looks like a pretty fab place to be sitting right now. Flying high in NikNik's nutella jar, keeping safe from those big waves. 

Also wanted to let you know that I'm watching out over the ocean this afternoon, I'm quite taken by the pretzel floatie so you can find me bouncing over the waves on my pretzel 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member on a pretzel.