SH Relapse

[Former-Member]

Hi @Owen45 

Add to that crying , hiding that you are crying and acting like you are FINE ......

I wish l wasnt here feeling like this anymore , its too hard .

[Former-Member]

Hello @LostAngel 

This isnt what l wanted in life to be suffering , afraid , lost , hurt and hating myself. Blaming myself for everyone elses issues.

I avoid alot all the time , you talk people put you down , you stay silent you are difficult there is no win.

The only person l cannot avoid is my 6 year old daughter , she wont let me go . She hates it when l yell at her to leave me alone , instead she hugs me and kisses me and l am just an emotional mess on the inside. My mind , my thoughts arent in a good place , but l have this child who loves me unconditionally.

And l dont know what to do anymore. 

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

Motherhood is often so much bigger than we realise.

Sounds like you have a beautiful little girl.

The difficulty of being needed 24/7 is often excruciating. Especially if we do not have many people to lean on.  Oh for that African village to raise our children in. Maybe I am romanticising the situation in Africa, but it sure takes more than one parent.  Movie sounds good.

Just some pictures.

You matter too.

Wish there was more support for families and mothers that were not so medicalised.

Take Care

Apple

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Appleblossom  

The pictures are beautiful , yes l have a very energetic daughter , full of life and much to see.

I'm still looking for that village it doesnt seem to appear on google maps LOL

There are moments like now l cannot look after myself more or less kids as well.

I pick my times to hurt myself as to not be seen. Sure she see's the bandages but never the deed.

I wish l could be in a better place to be happier and want to do more with her but l cant and l hate myself for it.

I dont want to feel like this anymore.........

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

I do not know how to turn the tide from self harming to self caring.

Self blame and pressure to perform are high these days.

Can you creating a little mental space where it can become less strident and more gentle.  Not sure how to explain it.  I have felt and struggled with similar but not exactly the same.

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member You are worthy of love, you are worthy of friendship and you are worthy of living. 

If someone tells you that you are frustrating, that's their problem because they are choosing to be frustrated and not choosing to have empathy with regards to what you are saying. Find people who don't find you frustrating. 

I know that sounds incredibly simple.. but some of the things you are saying here make me feel like they have said to control you. to make you feel unworthy so you will follow orders and that's not okay. 

and yes in this instance, i would be more than happy to be wrong if you know you are in control. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom 

I'm still trying to work out the whole self care , l think l have spent a life time helping and looking after others than l see myself as nothing. 

I see my home as a chaotic mess , where in my head l know where l want to place things and how l would like to set it all up , but the confussion kicks in and its all over the place.

So l am letting it all fall apart and that stresses me more.

So l want to leave , escape from it all and lockdown happens and cabin fever is there..

[Former-Member]

Hey @AussieRecharger 

Right now l am scared of living from everything this life has thrown in my lap. 

So l run away rom being loved , getting close to and getting to be known . I dont have any friends l can turn to when l need someone the most. I have acquaintances but they are kept at a far.

Yeah l get  what you mean that you are told you are no good , no will want you and you should be lucky l put up with you because no one else will is a way of keeping me put and not straying out to others.

I do feel unworthy lately even more and as much as l want to scream out , l keep it internal and its eating me alive.

Do l have control ???? No not really , not in my feelings , my emotions , my well being , my strength and worth.

One step forward a million steps back....

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member 

How are you doing?  Are you currently moonwalking?

Can I ask if you are still in this relationship?  and can I ask if you can explain how you feel about shame?

I have been studying a bit about coercive control and some of the things you mentioned in your post aline with some of the things I have been reading.  I don't want to intrude if answering causes more pain but I would really be thankful if you could give me a bit of back story as to what got you to this point? 

[Former-Member]

Hello @AussieRecharger 

Yeah l am doing okay , l guess .... Its daylight savings getting used to again.

Not too sure about the moonwalking part ????

If l may ask this Relationship ??? Meaning ??? with whom ????

So when you say this point , meaning why l do this to myself in a very harmful manner rather than taking the logical way of dealing with issues , life , trauma and unfortunate circumstances ????

Well exactly that , alot of the things fell apart not planned , not wanted and not asked for.

Life just crashed down and when you search for assistance and trying to get better things are out of my hands and then emotionally dealing with it all became too much and l fell apart with the crashing waves beneath me.

I can be my very own best friend and enemy at the same time.  But no one wins.

I had an injury which l had surgery and recovery has well still happening and l need further surgery to deal with other issues which happened afterwards.

A spiral of chaos and l am waiting for the whirlwind to finally stop.

Not a problem , l am happy to answer , I am unique person with very different take on life.

Goodnite