Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

When I was 13 my mum married my step dad but something happened to me that day that ruined the occasion for me. 

To make a long story short I sat next to my step dad's brother at the dinner and one of his hands went under the table. 

By then I had at least 2 alters and I switched and wandered off so everyone thought I some how got drunk. To this day everyone believes I got drunk.

Any way they have divorced and now my mum's looking at getting married again. I know the incident was 15 years ago and this guy don't even have a brother but I don't want to go to the wedding and my mum doesn't care whether I go or not as long as I get her a wedding present. 

I don't have the greatest connection with my mother especially since she refuses to acknowledge my diagnosis of DID believes I've never been through anything bad enough to have it and never showed signs of it growing up not that she cared enough to notice anyway but would it be wrong of me not to go

[Zoe7]

That really is a decision you need to weigh up for yourself @Former-Member Think about the relationship you have with your mother now and what you want that to look like in the future. Part of that would also be would she hold it against you if you did not go and could you deal with that. I would also ask myself if it is possible to attend this wedding without being triggered so much it adds extra pain into your life. Balance those up for what is right for you and what you can deal with. These kind of questions are really hard ones to work through, with consequences for each, so working out what is right for you and you can move forward with is important.

[Powderfinger]

@Former-Member 

To add to @Zoe7 suggestions. Perhaps you could consider what your values are in your life when it comes to people. What do you value in people, and what is important to you, to feel valued as a person? If you have never asked these questions, they will be tough and perhaps an eye opener too. Having values goes a very long way to the people you are surrounded by and the way you are treated in life. It is a great start. I hope this helps. 

[Former-Member]

Well, since she explicitly said that she doesn't mind if you don't go so long as you get her a wedding present, I think you have to take her word for that. You CAN still go, but you don't have to. It really is OK.

Since you feel bad about it, though, try to come up with a compromise, to give yourself peace of mind. A couple of options:

• Maybe be especially thoughtful in your wedding present.
• Help your mother organise the wedding.
• Write a letter to the couple, which you could even have read out on your behalf (with your mother's permission).

These are all so you can avoid going to the wedding, but you've still made a valuable contribution. 

I totally understand your discomfort, even though you know your mother's fiancee is probably not a danger to you. The brain is really good at identifying patterns, and forging connections. That's why anniversaries are hard, for example. I would normally say "try to remember on the day, that there's no danger" et cetera, but that's too much to expect.

All the best x.

[saltandpepper]

@Former-Member Im sorry for what you've had to go through, and even more so that your mother hasn't been able to understand or accept your diagnosis. That lack of support must be disheartening.

These days I'm of the mindset that if you aren't comfortable being somewhere or doing something, don't. If I'd listened to my instincts earlier in life perhaps I'd be in a healthier place now. I'd say you should do what you need to do in order to stay safe. If you don't want to attend the wedding, I think that's perfectly understandable given what you've been through, and especially when it's coupled with the fact your mother doesn't accept your diagnosis.

Have you thought about talking to her about what happened? Perhaps it may be easier for her to hear about now that she's no longer involved with that family. Perhaps she will be open to a conversation. But you certainly don't have to talk to her about it if you don't want to. You don't owe her an explanation. It's entirely up to you.

If you choose to go the wedding, prepare yourself. Are you able to take a friend along for support? And are you prepared to go to the wedding knowing it may bring everything back up for you? How will you cope if the memories start to become overwhelming?

Take some time and think about it, whatever you decide to do is OK. You're not doing anything wrong if you choose to stay away.