I'm responding from your other thread about "spite".
(Now, please note, I'm only sharing my experiences as a borderline. I am not labelling you nor your experiences) Please feel free to let me know when to stop! 🙂
For a long time, I saw myself as a rebel. I never really used that word spite to describe what keeps me going, but you described it to mean what I see as my rebellious side.
What I found is that with my BPD, i really really struggled with the emotional roller coaster within me. The pain was unbearable. Hence, when someone told me to do something, I'd refuse to do it - not because I disagreed, but because they told me to do it.
Vice versa.. when they told me not to do something, I'd intentionally go and do it. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to be told I couldn't.
Not sure if you can relate.
Years later, through much therapy, I learnt that my rebellion/spite flared up when I was emotionally distraught. For me to regain that control, it came out as rebellion.
In Victoria, we have Advance Statements which is a document you write when you are 'well'. It details your preferred treatment options and what to do when you were unwell. This statement stays in the MH system so when you are have a crisis or are admitted, they MUST look at the advance statement (even though they don't HAVE to do what it says. They need to prove that they tried).
One clear sentence on my advance statement is "Do not tell her what to do".
So yeah... it sums up my BPD life. @LilithLucy
