The weight.

[AliTheUnicorn]

I don't have anyone in my life I can share my burden with so I am going to do it here. 

I am battling anxiety and depression. Panic attack warning signs are becoming frequent. I have urges to lay on the floor everywhere! Including in public.

My home life is a shambles. I live with my ex husband due to his ill health and do a lot of the work on the dairy farm we both own as well as work in town.

The farm is in drought. There is no hay and the people who supply our grain have told us we need to prepay every load. That's currently our entire milk cheque.

I am bullied at work so much I feel sick. I need the job so we can eat.

I have a child with ADeverything who makes it impossible to keep the house tidy. She needs more supervision/care/a mum who is there than I can give her. 

I am constantly on the verge of tears.

I am tired all the time. ALL. THE. TIME!

I go weeks without someone saying something nice to me and meaning it. 

I go months without anything more than "Hi" and some superficial banter.

I can't remember the last time anybody touched me without wanting something. 

And though I am not making plans, ending it all rears its ugly head most days.  

I cannot get out of the situation I am in. 

Mental health workers are few and far between here and as we all know finding one you click with is important. I have one I've started seeing again after 3 years of not, but he is only available on Saturdays for a few hours and therefore booked out. 

 I've become aware I'm slumping forward all the time and make a conscious effort to stand tall a gazillion times a day. The weight of my sadness is so much!

Everything is an effort. Nothing brings me joy. 

Tomorrow morning I will wake extra early thanks to daylight saving and do it all again. If I don't, animals will suffer, children will suffer and everything will be even worse. I will put my 'keeping it together' face on and be the duck - all calm and gliding on the surface, paddling like heck underneath. 

Sadly, I don't feel any less burdened writing it down. 

[JoeTheLion]

Hi @AliTheUnicorn

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story.

That is a huge load you are carrying. I hope you are finding time for yourself, taking time out and looking after your self care. One of the things you can control is doing things that help you to cope and looking after yourself as best you can.

I hope that you will find the forums to be a supportive place for exploring all these issues. Just a tip, if you are replying to someone or wanting to notify or touch base with someone, place an @ before their username, as in @AliTheUnicorn

All the best

Joe The Lion

[outlander]

Hello @AliTheUnicorn and welcome
Im sorry to hear how much your going through. Well done for coming here sharing your story and reaching out for some extra support.

Perhaps @Bunniekins @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear may be ablr to offer some advice. ..

[Appleblossom]

@AliTheUnicorn

Lots of ducks int his pond

Dealing with drought at this time of year is dreadful. Regional centres have many real challenges as well as less MH resources.  

Kids, farm and work are a lot to contend with.  Simply saying "what is" wont be an instant fix, but over time maybe it will help.  I wish I could do something practical.  My son and I were at a drought fundraiser a few weeks ago, but its so little compared to the need.

I have had to ease up ... on what the house looks like ...

Take Care

[CheerBear]

Hi @AliTheUnicorn. Love the name you chose for the forum.

It sounds like you're doing an incredible job juggling and managing so much. The title of your post is so fitting as it all seems very heavy, which is what I was feeling when I read your post.

I don't have any advice but I did want to reply to say that I hear you. When I feel overwhelmed and am struggling, I can start to feel very alone with it all which is often when particularly dark thoughts start creeping in. While it may not have eased the burden to write it all down here, I hope you're able to see that you're not alone.

Thinking of you this morning. Take care.

[Zaphod]

Hi @AliTheUnicorn.  I'm not a farmer and live close to the city.  Sending you love.  Wish i had some hay and grain to send.  

[frog]

Thinking of you @AliTheUnicorn I hope you find meaningful connections here. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but just wanted to let you know I heard you. 

[Elin]

Hi your suffering sounds real and I am glad you wrote it down. I have no answers but thanks for sharing your pain. I am not in a good space currently myself but if it means anything to you I will pray for you AlitheUnicorn and ask God to send you help. The kind you need. Take care. Elin. 💕🤗

[utopia]

@AliTheUnicorn. Sounds like a very busy life.  Or the life of 3 people rolled into 1 - you. 

There must be services available to assist you,  somewhere. Disability services where your child is allocated some one on one time with a therapist or disability support worker. 

Talk to your union rep regarding your work situation.  That's  how I got so sick with my mental illness  - through work. 

Can your husband not do any of the farm chores?  Can he do the farm accounts,  can he immunise the cattle,  can he hose out the dairy?. Anything.  Something. 

Drought is a terrible time to go through.  But if your husband is that injured/unwell, & his health is not likely to improve,  then it might be time to seriously think about selling up the farm. 

You can't  keep doing 3 people's jobs.  You will have a complete break down. 

Get an appointment with this therapist asap & explain like you have here. 

One last option,  make an appointment to see the social worker at CentreLink.  He/she will know all the services available to you.  It's a free,  confidential chat. 

[Bunniekins]

@AliTheUnicorn Hi AllTheUnicorn how are you doing? I apologise for missing this post when you first sent it out. Just know that I and others are here to listen and just sit with you if that is what you wish. You will never be alone on the forums. Love greenpea xxx