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  • Author : AliTheUnicorn
  • Support : 9
  • Topic : Something’s not right
07 Oct 2018 12:47 PM
New Contributor

I don't have anyone in my life I can share my burden with so I am going to do it here. 

I am battling anxiety and depression. Panic attack warning signs are becoming frequent. I have urges to lay on the floor everywhere! Including in public.

My home life is a shambles. I live with my ex husband due to his ill health and do a lot of the work on the dairy farm we both own as well as work in town.

The farm is in drought. There is no hay and the people who supply our grain have told us we need to prepay every load. That's currently our entire milk cheque.

I am bullied at work so much I feel sick. I need the job so we can eat.

I have a child with ADeverything who makes it impossible to keep the house tidy. She needs more supervision/care/a mum who is there than I can give her. 

I am constantly on the verge of tears.

I am tired all the time. ALL. THE. TIME!

I go weeks without someone saying something nice to me and meaning it. 

I go months without anything more than "Hi" and some superficial banter.

I can't remember the last time anybody touched me without wanting something. 

And though I am not making plans, ending it all rears its ugly head most days.  

I cannot get out of the situation I am in. 

Mental health workers are few and far between here and as we all know finding one you click with is important. I have one I've started seeing again after 3 years of not, but he is only available on Saturdays for a few hours and therefore booked out. 

 I've become aware I'm slumping forward all the time and make a conscious effort to stand tall a gazillion times a day. The weight of my sadness is so much!

Everything is an effort. Nothing brings me joy. 

Tomorrow morning I will wake extra early thanks to daylight saving and do it all again. If I don't, animals will suffer, children will suffer and everything will be even worse. I will put my 'keeping it together' face on and be the duck - all calm and gliding on the surface, paddling like heck underneath. 

Sadly, I don't feel any less burdened writing it down. 

 

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