@outlander - if I do something here in the hospital, which I've already contemplated and considered, I'll cop a nurse special (yep, I've had one of those before), and I'll definitely won't get home. I don't have my car keys and I've no money at all, so I can't even walk out the fkn door, dammit to get a bus or train home.
I don't even know if the respite centre will allow me back based on my level of safety right now, so I may be discharged from there anyway. When my clothing & other stuff came over, it was obvious my pj shirt was worn by the other woman in my room, as it smelt very strongly of cigarettes. I rang the respite centre to complain about it, but the nurse didn't seem very concerned and refused to speak to this person. So to say I'm a little upset about that is an understatement. When I was a young child I never had any of my own clothes, or much else. They were always handed down, and even those clothes (but especially new ones) were always stolen by other children in the care home.
I have an appointment with my suicide prevention counsellor tommorrow morning at 9:30 am and I know that trying to get out to get to that appointment is going to be incredibly difficult because it will be at handover time, AND Monday morning. So, if I can leave tonight would be better.
I'm just frustrated right now, so sorry for my ramblings. Nothing will change from being in hospital or at home re: my level of safety. It just is the way things are right now. I don't want to be like this, I feel I really don't need to be, but I feel powerless to know how to make things better.
And with all this us an acute awareness of how much others are having difficulties every moment, every day. So please don't respond to that.
