Not Good Enough

[Appleblossom]

That is 3 1/2 years of heavy going. There is a rating of life changing events and I believe all of them count highly @Till23 . In some ways it doesn't matter the official rating. You feel what you feel. So that is what matters and is real.

How are your cancers? If you want to talk about it. Do you have treatments to go through?

Needing to decide to put a beloved pet down is huge. There are all the feelings of grief and loss as well as concern about making the right decision. I have never needed to do that but a girlfriend really struggled with it. I am here if you need to talk about it as things unfold.

Regarding socialising....I thought @MJG017 made a really good point about regret, being sometimes a sign of not being familiar or comfortable with the feelings and expression rather than it being a sign of having done something wrong.

It sounds like staying with your sport is the best course. For a while I just went with filling my diary with various activities or appointments, simply to keep moving onwards and forwards with life, regardless how I felt. Getting to understand feelings seems a huge Work in Progress atm.

[MissinTooth]

Thoughts similar to those in your last paragraph came up for me today too @Till23..I was at work, in the loo and really struggling with my anxiety. I was taking some deep breaths and I found myself wondering why it's difficult for me when  others seem to get through their day with only mild stress. They seem to get through without feeling as if you're going to explode from anxiety. 

Something tells me though, that's not helpful thinking. We are all different and have different lives and experiences and we all walk through our lives in unique ways. Also, I have no idea what other people are going through - what they need to do to get themselves through the day. 

[Till23]

Hi @Appleblossom 

I'm ok about my cancers, most of treatment is over in first few months after diagnosis. I have testing regularly and so far no problems. For me, if I died of cancer, it would be fantastic. (I definitely understand this is not the case for everyone). All my problems solved and it's a socially acceptable way to die compared with other methods, so family and friends would not have any stigma/shame of my death. 

I overfilled my diary with things shortly after I retired, so am using keeping busy as a distraction as well as physical activity. I mostly do not find joy in my activities, but I do them to keep going and keep myself distracted from the mental/emotional pain. I would rather have cancer any day of the week than my mental illnesses. When I have cancer tests, I hope they find something, I'm never anxious about the results because I don't care. I'm much, much more concerned about my dog's health than my own. When I was diagnosed with cancer people enquired how I was, offered to do things for me and to help me. Tell most people you have a mental illness......silence, possible loss of friendship, definite distancing of relationship, definitely no flowers, offers of help.

Sorry this is a depressing post, but it's where I am now.

[Till23]

Sorry you had that anxious episode @MissinTooth

Comparison is the thief of joy.

People can present very well, but you never know what's going on for them.

If many people saw my life from the surface, they'd probably think it was pretty good, that's because I rarely present the true me. I always have a mask, even in therapy, even on these forums - although these forums probably wear the mask most loosely.

[Appleblossom]

@Till23 I am glad your 2 cancers are managed. They must have been caught early enough.

I have only had precancerous cells and they were managed in my late 20s with no more problems.

please Till no need to apologise for your post. I didn’t find it depressive at all. You are talking about real life and death and important things. I guess I would put it in the Deep and Meaningful with life threatening aspects… category. I really do believe society has bought into toxic positivity generally. I also believe it is part of the current MH PROBLEM. People are too impatient to put in the listening and the care. Or it outsourced to paid workers and “professionals “.  The RUOK day might have helped but seems a bit too superficial and many get dismissive of it… or hurt…. 

My personal inner feelings reading your first paragraph was, wow, that has been my thinking and feeling…. Would be relieved by an early death without the shame and stigma. I have been working on Sane for 10 years to improve the way it handles these things. At first it was a bit automatic and autocratic about self harm and suicide. It has been broadening its approach a lot which is good. So I felt a sense of resonance and connection… with you….which I simply find very rare with superficial communication. Also if this is a forum about MENTAL HEALTH we should be able to discuss these things without censorship. Often, I over censor myself about it anyway. 

Sadly, the first time I heard the term D&M used was by an aunt in a jeering derogatory way. It is upsetting to me to think about that person for her bad behaviour, so changing the subject… but I did want to clarify with you.  Whether, we use the the word spiritual or deep cultural listening… or dadirri…

Slow streamsLove Indigenous and all arts

[Till23]

Hey @tyme how are you?

I've been feeling a bit down recently

I don't know if it's just the summation of the last few years or something else. I wrote down a kind of timeline a few posts earlier in this thread. 

I am tired, which is good as hopefully I can stop my mind from forever churning over and worrying about stuff. I cancelled my volunteer shift tomorrow, which is very unlike me. The two days of sport, followed by working a couple of long shifts, on top of organisation for fundraising and doing a community thing for cancer, has been tiring. I wanted to do stuff as a distraction and a way to feel some kind of worthiness, but maybe it's been a bit much

[tyme]

I'm mindful you have been working too @Till23 . Maybe it's okay to feel more drained than usual? It's not easy. It sounds like you are a go-getter with high expectations of yourself sometimes. I'm glad to see you took time off from your shift. 

Not to mention, you've got sport too. I guess sport is helpful? Do you find it lifts your mood a bit?

I'm thinking of you @Till23 . I've been concerned and hope things fall into place soon. 

Hugs.

[Till23]

I am just doing some short term casual work @tyme which will be over shortly. 

Sport is very helpful for mood and general well-being. 

I apparently do have high standards, but I think it's just normal. I am also apparently a perfectionist as well.

My MH mostly the depression also contributes a lot to the tiredness

[tyme]

You are such a fighter @Till23 . I could see you as such a powerful peer worker or inspirational speaker. It doesn't mean we always have our *** together, but your story can give peopel such hope. 

I have really been inspired by your story, and I acknowledge much of it was not smooth sailing. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and the wider community here.

We are here for each other. 

We've all had our own battles, myself included. Hence I think coming together, there is stuch power in sharing stories and lived experience.

Thank you thank you.

[Till23]

Hi @Appleblossom with the cancers I had the tumours surgically excised followed by radiotherapy for each cancer.

Yes, there is a whole industry around 'wellbeing" now whether it be physical or mental health and I think it diminishes the experiences of those that really have issues not those trying to attain some unattainable social media ideal. I have over simplified that but hopefully you get the drift.

The other thing that happens is that, as you say, people don't actually listen openly and try to really understand what's going on and just want to make a buck or make themselves look better for some reason. There has been so much cultural appropriation and cultural reductionism of indigenous culture, For example, people think that "Aboriginal" art is dot painting - this originated from the central desert peoples and is a fusion of western and central desert indigenous art. Most Aboriginal people did not use dot painting. Dadirri is from the Ngangikurungkurr people from around Daly river in NT, although most Aboriginal peoples have a similar concept it is not actually Dadirri. So most non-Aboriginal people reduce all deep listening i to Dadirri and all aboriginal art to dot painting. It's like if people said German and Dutch were the same language or peoples or Spanish and Italian were the same. Australia is much bigger than Europe so there are huge differences among Aboriginal peoples as there are between Europeans. 

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant, this happend when I am passionate about something.