HeloRe: Trying makes it worse

[Historylover]

So nice to hear from you @Appleblossom and to hear that you have had such a wonderful time. Wish I was there. I probably may never attend, but I was having a look at what is on myself at the weekend and saw that 'Phantom of the Opera' is on and there are weekend, afternoon performances. (One)Trouble is, I don't know what people are wearing. I have dressy casual in my wardrobe that I have never worn, and I gave up on heels long ago except for Winter boots as my feet are so injured. How I'd love to see something. The last show I saw was at least 30 years ago. How's that for cultural deprivation – and it was the first show – oratorio – I have ever seen in my life. I used to go to rehearsals, chamber and vocal, when I lived in the city though.

As for medical folk...I reserve all judgements. To see them prancing about, it would be assumed that they know everything and never make mistakes. Sadly, it's a matter of how many and how serious the ones they make are. But, luckily for them, most members of the public make assumptions about them as doctors, and they are reliant on that.

Going through a bit of turmoil at the moment, and considering doing a post rather than lumber it on anyone. Perhaps I need to vent. Life is such a battlefield!

Cheers, @Appleblossom. I'm so pleased you had such a wonderful time. Such a treat!! You sound very (spiritually) uplifted, by the way. 

[maddison]

Sounds like your experience has been food for the soul @Appleblossom and now you get to share that food with those around you who you care about. Yum!🍲😄

I didn't grow up with classical music. You reminded me, when I was quite young, I would try to find radio reception for maybe PBS station. There were other ones very close together - it was always tricky to get good reception. I would try to find piano concertos to fall asleep to.

I loved your description of life as a witness, amongst lots of other things you wrote. All gifts.

This thread has become very heavy recently. I think that is ok & really very good that we can share & support each other on all kinds of ways. And thankyou too @Former-Member !

Anyway, it feels so apt that you've returned from this music festival, & contributing authentic sparkle & meaning, it's like we really needed to read about beauty too. And I like that you described it was not all 'fairytails" (those poor little ones with too much pressure) ..... Heaven or heavenly. I believe you!😇

As a few if you have been following along my story, I wanted to share that today my friend was finally hospitalised.

I believe it was voluntarily. I'm happy for this, as being sectioned, can be damaging.

It was all really "dumb luck" - not the correct term.

It was about me expressing myself & my concerns, to the right, open nurse, at the right time, under circumstances that supported my concerns - along with friends willingness to be admitted.

My initial reaction, when the nurse called me - was instant big relief. He could finally get support (even if inadequate to  reasonable expectations) yet it is support that is beyond my capabilites. 

For example, there is no point prescribing him prn meds - that he then refuses to take - & placing responsibility on me to administer them.

 I felt big relief that I didn't need to walk on eggshells & I knew I deserved a break & peace.

Now that he is gone. .....

I feel sad.

Can you imagine? 

The weeks and desperation of screaming out for anyone to listen. My mind seeing no other option than him needing proper medical monitoring.

And now I feel sad.

I don't want him back here - I'm very happy & I believe he is the right place for the behaviour I have been seeing, & hurt by.

The sadness is a stranger.

Thankyou Everyone for supporting me the last few weeks. At least for the next few days/weeks? I can relax. I am only taking it moment by moment. I know he is safe. I know I'm safe. (That word finally got back meaning im realising - what a complete 🤯 it has been)

Big Thankyou to everyone & anyone I forgot to mention.

@EternalFlower @Historylover @Former-Member @Former-Member @tyme @hanami @Shaz51 

[EternalFlower]

Hello beloveds @Appleblossom @maddison @Former-Member @Historylover 

I was crying in my room watching the first clip @Appleblossom magic.

Thank U @maddison for holding space with such warmth and care 

Thank U @Former-Member for hearing me and encouraging me to call a hotline 

I called Sane and spoke with someone . I said how I am struggling with my asshole dr and he said so clearly it wasn't a mistake seeing him, ur ok and good and we discussed plans to reassess treatment and possibly change tracks 

@Appleblossom I'm proud of U for building such good community around U and knowing ur worth. Finding ppl who get us is so important . Wow...dido...she was a moment wasn't she ? I'm happy ur happy and enjoying music , loved those clips 

@maddison how is hn, was wandering if he was taken to hospital 

Thanks for hearing re my dr 

I have been really sedated here with meds and terrified by my own mistake, I got dosage wrong, asked for too much and was given too much 

My own dr tapped out so I was given a replacement and he left it up to me to decide a medication dose 

Weird sleep and sedation on the dose I wrongly asked for.

I am not doing well and have somehow been here for nearly a week. I've done nothing really. All I keep doing is collecting snacks and hoarding them in my room. My new hobby lol 

Am so sorry U could recognise in my dr talking over me experienced with the hospital for ur hm. It is so hard to communicate with them sometimes .

I'm often left wandering if it's my fault and I didn't use the right words. I know sometimes I don't . But I know also I was trying and I wander when it's on him, for not asking 

Like they ask U , what do U need from me or should I search your room for sharps?

Not, what's on ur mind, can we talk?

[EternalFlower]

Oh @maddison I missed ur update 

Thank U 💖 what a relief hm is in safe hands....

I can understand the weirdness of being alone now , like did it really happen? Luck or timing and now U got what U needed and he has been accepted...

I think U were heard and valued and successful at communicating , well done.

It is heavy and light I feel that no one judges 

We can hold heavy lightly 

[Paperdaisy]

Have just dropped by to check on you @EternalFlower and have seen all of the wonderful support you have received from @Appleblossom @maddison @Historylover ‌💝‌Warms my heart!

Sounds like it's been a really rough week @EternalFlower sending you lots of warmth.

[hanami]

Oh @maddison aren’t our emotions so unpredictable! I hope your sadness passes and you can appreciate the peace and calm. 
Sending hugs ♥️

[maddison]

Thankyou @hanami you pinpointed my own thoughts! I'm still confused about this sadness? Emotions are playing by their own rules. I will let them do their thing - thankyou I hope it passes soon too.

I'm wondering if it's not - a sadness I might have been carrying all these weeks & perhaps this is the first time I've had the space to actually let it have its moment?

Or, it could be so many big things all coming to a head & my brain, body processing.

Who knows?!

Gosh, I'm suddenly thinking - I hope this isn't menopause😬 Am I going to become super moody now?! 

Hope you & doggies enjoying the day. It was hot in Melbourne today☀️ very summery.

[maddison]

Oh yes.. @EternalFlower it is very 'did that really happen.' moment. 

Need time to process. It's big & not really big at all!

I like your idea of snack hoarding...I have ordered mc Donald's for dinner. So hungry.... So unable to walk to kitchen.

We don't have food here anyway. I'm overdue for a food shop. I am behind on everything. HM was taking up so much time - I don't mean that in a mean way - he was clearly not coping here at home. All my time was spent on him & everything else was being neglected. We were really at crisis point.

I don't do too good with lonliness. 

I will be ok. I would like to be stronger at being alone.

[Shaz51]

Sending you lots of hugs @maddison , @EternalFlower , @Appleblossom ❤

@hanami , @Paperdaisy 

Hello @Historylover 

[maddison]

@EternalFlower you were crying at the sheep....I was crying at the canons! I love that song so much. @Appleblossom 

The violins sound joyful to me. The background is sad & dark, the melody is whimsical.

I wonder if that is how other people interpret Canon?

When you mentioned the other day @EternalFlower at finding scary movies soothing & how we kind of get to practice fear? That was great & I didn't know I was doing it - but totally agreed with your idea.

I think maybe music can be the same - not for everyone - I find the sad songs feel happy to me?  (well - it depends, music can evoke sadness in me for sure)

Particular 'sad' music might make me feel happy because it allows me to 'practice' sad? 

I think I've broken my brain.