Trying makes it worse

[maddison]

Always a pleasure to read your updates @EternalFlower 

I'm feeling itty bitty rn. It will pass - I just feel so tiny scared & small.

I am ok. Very ok. I don't like this feeling tho.

Will chat properly when - me - returns?!

xx

[EternalFlower]

Hi all 

@maddison sorry for the awkward and stressful maybe feelings? Happy to touch base any time and also respect ur space. 💖

Hey @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Historylover 

Complex stuff...my dr came and said he wanted to apologise to me, he said he wanted to start fresh, felt he had traumatized me.

"Youve gone through so much trauma in your life and I've made it worse and I want to say sorry. And I'm going to try to do better." He also told me the registrar was shit and not to worry about him as there's a nicer registrar next week.

We had a long session and I was crying.

I had been hiding a sharp on me and I told him and now they took it away.

My mind is broken and most of all im upset about the object .

I am not right in my mind currently and was carrying the object in my bag or on my person, hidden.

I am not glorifying sh.

[tyme]

Hearing you @EternalFlower ,

Sitting with you this evening.

tyme

[Former-Member]

Hey @EternalFlower and @maddison and @Appleblossom 

I am hitting the forums tonight if you want to chat 💬

Here with you all X

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

Thanks for letting us know.

@maddison Re feeling 'Itty bitty' ... I often feel very small, so have to wait for bolshie me to kick in, cannot always control and expect her to show up when needed.  Now I have more resources and can hide away and do self care when I need, I am more confident she will show up sometime .. lol ...  just never sure when.  Sometimes it can be good to be small and not feel the responsibility to carry the world on our shoulders. We are but one person in a world about to get to 8 million.

I have lived in the caring role a lot. 

I have also felt things that you @EternalFlower write about.  It feels funny seeing things that I have still kept hidden, in your posts (like hiding sh items in my handbag).  For me it was never sharp as had too much experience with that with my brother, but still I had an almost comforting feeling knowing it was there and it almost gave me a way to externalise the feelings without the act.  I would touch it and calm down. Nobody knows that til now. Now that is pretty weird.  No I do not think you are glorifying it, struggling with it yes. 

Its important for me to talk a little about it as I am still in a caring role, different person, different relationship, different behaviours.  Also have not had many conversations about my thoughts and feelings about sh and si given the amount of time it has taken up in my life.  It helps not having it be secret, I think, maybe ...

I am alright, but have to live very delicato or gently bently now ... my wrists are aching also so that is another reason I must get off the computer more often.  Haven't got a crutch, walker or dentures yet ... lol

Take Care

Apple

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Former-Member thank U for being here 

@tyme thanks for sitting here. I was wary my post would be edited and I feel huge relief it wasn't. Silencing is something i have lived a long time.

@Appleblossom ur right we are but one, we can only hold so much ...thank U for that insight and for sharing. I like ur calm and caring way of writing ...

It is a long story but the item I held was my way also of saying fk U to this hospital. It has been a weird environment and I've been shamed for things not on me.

I told my dr last session I didn't like how he spoke to me and he said we'll discuss it next time. I said U always says that, we necer do discuss it.... I said I'd appreciate if you were honest with me. Today he was. But I felt I wasn't honest myself, yet I was in this toxic situation where honesty could be used against me.

I gave the object away now. 

[Former-Member]

I am glad you are safe now @EternalFlower Xx

[tyme]

You deserve all the support you can get because you are worth it @EternalFlower .

Hugs, tyme

[maddison]

Thanks @EternalFlower & @Appleblossom 'bolshie' thx - needed to ask Google. I'm thinking Google might not have the exact right interpretation on this one.

Lovely reflections about being tiny being ok. Why does the world have to be so big & scary? I prefer the days when I feel bigger than the world....bolshie levels have risen 'a wee bit'.

Oh @EternalFlower this sounds like incredibly difficult time for you. You are amazing for sharing with us. Thankyou💜

Feelings that you cannot be honest with your doctor, because of toxic foundations, or mistrust. So difficult.

All I can offer - is that you are being honest... If not to dr, you have been honest here, -in expressing that you are scared your truths could be used against you. That is one of your truths.

I don't think you are glorifying anything. 

I'm not sure how topics of sh or si are discussed in a professional situation. 

The way both of you @EternalFlower & @Appleblossom let words fall out, that had not been said before. The way both of you described why & how in a totally candid way - at least to me feels very healthy.

I actually thought, both of your reasoning sounded completely normal! (Obviously I'm not advocating or glorifying either)

God, I am certain we all carry enough shame to fill a million worlds each. 

I believe you @EternalFlower that you have experienced misdirected shame on you as well. It doesnt even need to be a word or action. It can be in the tone we are spoken to & even the whole sh*tshow of life itself... Making us feel ashamed for simply existing.

Not sure if any of this is relevant - or if I'm trying to be...?

I see lots of good in you & healing. I'm guessing you don't see it. 

[Appleblossom]

See I am not sure that removing the offending object results in true safety @Former-Member I think that is a pretend game that people in the services tell themselves. I am beginning to think that this service obsession with safety is short circuiting many doing actual therapeutic work.  It can create a sense of ticked boxes but the work may be necessary in a broader more whole person centred.  

I have been silenced a great deal in my life until I found an outlet in this forum. I do admit I have been very "vocal" here ... with my fingers on the keyboard. Which is still a step away from me actually being able to talk about things and get good feedback.

I found it very interesting that the object had significance beyond its capacity for sh @EternalFlower That was the way it ended up for me.  I gave up an object I purchased for "the job", I never bought another, but other methods and potential objects did come to mind.  The funny little bit of control over the object is important I think, in a life when we have not sufficient control that sh or si seem a way out.

Good you are getting somewhat more from your doctor.  Get him to give relevant strategies if possible, not just meds.

I have not had much luck verbally standing up for myself as I was always too keen to avoid an argument, which is why it will be interesting how it goes with standing my ground on Sunday ... count down ...da da di da ... 2 days away ... my god . . maybe being able to laugh about it online will help ... will tell you.

I stood up with a neighbour a month ago.  She disappeared for a few days, but is back being friendly.  She cannot tone her aggressive personality down.  I try not to hold a grudge about it, but walk away more quickly when I have had enough of being talked over. She knows why, now.