Trying makes it worse

[tyme]

I'm sorry that happened @EternalFlower . It sounds like there's so little understanding from their end. It also sounds like they are afraid of disability/MH challenges....

Then again, I'm also considering that IF I didn't have the extreme MH challenges that I did, I may have acted in a similar way - that is, have no compassion for those who do have MH struggles.

Whatever it is, at least you know we have been down that path, and we do care about you very much.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tyme my  When i talked about having recently veen in a psych hospital she froze again and it made me feel so invisible. She just kept talking like i never said it.

I will not see her again but dont have any other family. I get lonely at times and also feel like an alien but i know its not me. I feel sorry a bit for people that live hidden from reality. Having been in hospital i know these struggles affect many beautiful talented and special souls and it doesnt reflect badly on me nor is it a shame

[tonys]

OH  ..  well lucky I checked.     You can bet I put a bit of effort in the first one.  You deserve it,  so

I wonder where on earth that went.  ?   Well..   I won't embarrass you further.  You work the coal face

of a world thats lost its way..   Thankyou so much  @tyme .   

Hope time ticks gently and affords you peace .    Very best to you..                                     tonys..

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys not in hospital now luckily! Live reading ur stories about the young couple...although sounds rough re the condition. The uggs sound perfect and loved ur tip about keeping toes warm and a hands (and a beanie!).

I bought lots of bonds fluffy socks recently and they are lovely. Ive never had something so cozy.

I did get a phone call today from mh service and they were so good. Im so happy with them. They are not my hopsital case management. Hospital is very bad.

I feel they dont get me and have caused me more trauma and i wish i could do something bur kinda stuck. If u complain u get called difficult and if u dont they dont provide u with the care u need.

I spend most of my time alone which sometimes gets really intense. I get scared of others and scared in my mind with flashbacks. Then i stop cooking abd cleaning and soon it all turns pretty dark.

Sometimes now i speak to mysekf....not like nattering away and having a convo but i just say "do u feel safe? What do u need?" And listen.

[tonys]

Hey there  @EternalFlower .   Well  I'm going to tell you something and I hope one day you revisit it

Family is a tough gig.  Comes a time when we ask ourselves.  Would we have sought out the company of these people if they were not our relatives.  Pretend they are not your relatives.  Would you pursue these folks for friendship,  trust,  expenditure of your precious time.

If the answer to that question is ,    no.            Then you ask yourself.  Why. . .  Why bother to engage

in an energy drain.                    A fruit tree that bears no fruit.

Eternal   Flower...       Blood is not  thicker  than water.  

Mend your nets,    fish  new  waters..               Never plough  sour  ground...             

You try and put things out of your mind and sleep my friend..                           tonys  moonbase 1

[tonys]

@EternalFlower    sent my last letter while you were typing yours.   Back home my friend.

I hope thats good..    Yes there a lot to be said for good wool and hot water bottles.  I really hope tomorrow brings a favourable breeze to your sails.

Mate . .    I talk to myself all the time,   and so does the bookkeeper.    Your just processing. 

Coming to terms with things  in your past.  things you may not even be fully aware of.

To reconcile with a years of pain and hurtful words and events..   Well that take on all sorts 

of shapes and sounds,  and the Ndis will give you people to take your hand on that long walk.     Help you back into the sunshine..     Well at least fewer clouds.

Thats why you got the Ndis.  Its too hard to do it on your own..    

 It just takes a little time for Ndis  to get a ,  feel for you,    Then if things don't feel right,  give em

polite feed back and find that one right person.

Make a list one day of what you want from life,  and what a good day would be like for you.

Not a great day...     Just a good day..         

These  Ndis people will not always be perfect..   and life can never be perfect.  You just need more 

good days than bad  my friend..         Hope you have a little music going ,

Please take care my friend.                                                                          tonys moonbase 1

[Appleblossom]

Hey @EternalFlower 

I am glad some parts of the services are more promising for you.  It is a very mixed bag.  I also do not like the way they label patients difficult without seeming to try.  I am beginning to think it is BAD practice and for people wanting an easy ride in their job.

Re being alone a lot and talking to yourself ... me too ... I used to worry about and it comes and goes to various degrees. Having cats in house helped me, as I could talk to them.  The young guy next door has just bought a cat and was telling me about it yesterday.  He is really gorgeous and sensitive. You may not be in a position to think about pets yet. Dont worry. I loved Dr Doolittle as a kid ... the guy who coulkd talk to the animals.  I joke and say I speak cat.  This week I won a prize for best growing grass frog demonstration...lol... so I guess I am learning to speak frog too!

Re family and your aunt.  It can be hard to know exactly what is going on in their thought with the "freeze".  It could be more about their lack than anything about you. I get it that it is hard not to have family.  My aunts did that to me and my sibs too.  Now I see it as partly guilt.  my mother had a bog family and they should have helped out a bit more rather than be focussed only on getting ahead for themselves and making money.

Hey @tonys @tyme @Oaktree 

@PerthSquirril I really love your name.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom sorry ur family was like that as it does sound similar.

When i was last in hospital i got a bit lonely and felt it eas depressing to not have any visitors so i tood my dr and we nade an experiment to pick one family member and just see how they would be. I picked my aunt and net her twice but now see that she isnt safe either.

I am going through a hard time and do not need to have chit chat about how brilliant her kids are and how they were born brilliant and she always listens to thek for advice. When im goijg through pain i just didnt need that nor do i care how brilliant they are.

They are very rich business men etc.

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower I get that would be more painful and rub salt in the wounds.  In a way it is very immature of her not even have the sense to be mindful of not boasting, or failing to be kind.  

Well at least you know and the doctors know you tried.

The rich business set has a mindset I really do not like, I have worked in enough fields to see them as usually corrupt and greedy far more so than brilliant.

You are you and keep being kind to YOU, if your family will not.  Find a path and try and eventually find like minded people.

My family are mostly well to do now.  They were not always but the get ahead mentality meant they were also judgmental of my brother and I. I actually could have earned some respect with all I have done in work and study, but no. So now I see it as a sign of their guilt.  I was very careful not to be a burden etc etc.  It has been a very slow shift from a sense of feeling put down, they were ashamed of my clothes, figuring it out, and realising, they were really unfair and now I am finally not angsting or trying for their love or a basic christmas card! 

Their narrative is just to sweep my family under the carpet.  I was shocked recently seeing an aunt on linked in and the way she presents herself.  I have not seen her in nearly 20 years. I had a gathering of my mother and her 2 sisters for a birthday when my son was little. We have plenty in common which is why the search engine suggested I link up. Huh I thought I know that person very very well.  Hmmm.  

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom i found the timing iff and immature, ive listened my whole life to how her kids are the most good looking, desirable successful and smart, and thought after not seeing her for four years and sharing im going thriugh a tough time with repeat hospitalizations she nay hsve some space for me. It is quite jarring after not seeing someone for many years, sinilar to how u saw ur relative on linkedin. And you would know her in a better way and see the bs people spin to sound good....it is not easy emotionally. I hope U are ok.

My family is materialistic, and obsessed with status. And also sexist. The women in the family are invisible. She also spent a lot of time justifying and praising a relative who was jailed for sexual assault.i think because hes a man and a golden boy.

We left the meeting with her telling me she would get me some jars. I used tinned veg and she says its best straight after opening them to store them in jars. She has many jars. After i said i was going on the ndis she offered me the jars. I didnt ask or want. And how odd im in crises and what would i even do with the jars like this is my biggest problem in life....