Trying makes it worse

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower I am sorry you have had those experiences with clinicians.

I never really know what my various family members have gone through in that regard.  I suspect it has been an issue. Cos I did see a lot of concerning behaviour by various staff. Though, I have already expressed my gratitude for any good moments or encounters, early when I joined this website. I have 5 family members who have experienced severe mental health issues and serious involvement with  the so called services (Both parents and 2 siblings and my son). I actually have some historical official files and can see, some reasonable professional statements and some biased or just incorrect rubbish. Freedom of information can be useful but it can also retraumatise. I know some Lived Experience people currently trying to get access to their files.

I am now reflecting on history, but also experiencing in current times, how the gaslighting and authoritarian structures are maintained. Mostly I was able to stay in the private system, personally, but also getting substandard responses recently from a support co-ordinator. I had better change that ASAP. My main response, is a calm noticing, REFLECTING OH, THATS WHAT IT MAY HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR THEM, Allowing 2 or 3 mistakes ( it used to be 4), trying to work through it, but not tolerating BS. I am no longer taking poor practices personally. I overly internalised others behaviour as a child.

 I felt I got better luck than my family.

[EternalFlower]

hi @Appleblossom admire your reflection and understanding while feeling sad for the fear we have in these judgemental systems, and how many chances we have to give people who hurt us.

I have a diagnosis of complex trauma, but have been s---dal for a year so i have been to the ED like 20 times.

In those 20 times, the ED staff have decided I have BPD, PPD, OCPD and AVPD. All of these four diagnoses, even though I've never seen a psychiatrist in the ED, and was officially diagnosed by Spectrum, my own psychiatrist, and through legnthy testing as having CPTSD. 

It doesn't matter. 

They dont' even write "borderline patient" or "woman with BPD" "or BPD presentation" - they just write "BPD in crises." I'm not even a person anymore.

I have put in a complaint about this and asked them for evidence i have this diagoses, as no doctor has ever given it to me. Once I have that diagnoses, they are extreemly mean to me. I made a joke that the clinician was my "favourite" and he said i was overly familiar. It was a joke and it was only a lighthearted comment because I recognised him in the hospital and I didn't recognise anyone else and had all new staff. Anything can be interpreted as illness through their lens.

[Appleblossom]

Oh @EternalFlower it has been a terribly difficult year.

I struggle with SI a lot, Eg last night.  Tbh, because they stuffed up so badly with my siblings, I don’t really trust the services with my Suicidality. I have my coping mechanisms. I have called crisis line once, called CATT about 3-4 times in 20 years, and presented to an ED once. I trust the forum more, but I am pretty cagey about it, as I also have seen a hostile controlling ex family member call welfare checks on 2 young male family members, (my son and nephew) as a form of dominance. 

I just wish a person would emerge who would be a good fit for you. I was in a worse position 18 months ago, but a good support worker has helped me turn things around. Sorry, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom I personally believe its helpful to get the notes via foi.

Sometimes I've thought a clinician was trustworthy and seen via notes that they're quite manipulative and also vice versa. It shows me who's really helping and trying vs those just stringing me along or using stigmatising or judgemental attitudes 

[Appleblossom]

I agree @EternalFlower 

my son has a therapist who would ask us to approve his notes and correct them if he got anything wrong. There is a very broad range of practice in the field. So broad, that I query professional objectivity. They should all be doing that.

[EternalFlower]

 my last consultant psychiatrist in public mental helath used to ask me to look over her notes as she wrote them

she had nothing to hide

she was blunt at times and not careful with her language but she said to your face what she thought rather than hide behind the smokescreen of the clinical notes

I once had a psychologsist write that I smelled bad and they often comment on my physical size which is gross. I had an eating disorder and am sometimes thin and sometimes chubby. Not their business.