Trying makes it worse

[tonys]

Sound really positive @EternalFlower .   You sound more and more like a person who's just going to 

keep searching till it feels right.  Yes,   I would definatley ask to see her in person if possible.   The more friendly face to face you have the better  I reckon.  Its all social contact of sorts..

I sense a little spring in your step.       Thinking of you friend.   Sleep peacefully.                  tonys  mb1

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys i agree, i think i would like in person. 

She is very good, i have to say. Caring and professional. She is fairly senior.

Do u have a nice room or space in hospital? I hope ur healing ok and keeping bright🌅.

My case manager said to indulge in self care this week. I relaxed a bit and had a cozy dinner with some tv. I was still very upset about the dr, truth is all my supports are on leave, my bestie is gone too, and my dr and my gp and a recent peer group just ended and everything seemed to be sort of collapsing.

I am so grateful that she heard this without judgement. She said often its ten small things not one big thing that can hurt. I appreciated this. I am not, as it seems, just having an abandonment response to my dr leaving. It's more feeling shaky with so many things changing.

Thanks for being there for me.

We have a good timing here as i just came in and saw ur letter ✒️📜

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom ur passion for gardening really shines and is so admirable. Like u can make beauty in the earth. A lot of people in my family were gardeners and it really inspires me.

Love what u said how we do so many things.

TW ED, hospital admission

I am reflecting and maybe self conscious about how deer in headlights i became in the hospital. It is not natural for me, these medical settings, and I get scared. I hate taking, being a patient, being weak, being small. When i was in the ED two patients were screaming and  were pretty threatening and unwell.

It is so familiar to me, I feel like I have been around angry or violent peiple my whole life. And i didnt like that feeling, like I knew exactly what was going to happen.

----

How are u doing? Here to talk or listen anytime 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

I am not a connoisseur gardener with many showy plants. I only identified as a gardener since I was middle aged.  Never as a young person.  Life morphs and shifts. Mostly I try and fill the space close by me, in my property and on verges and court etc with plants rather than weeds, as doing good to the earth, but also me keeping active.  Functional exercise.  I am alright.  I have had a hectic couple of months, so going very slow with minimal stimulation.  Had porridge with pumpkin seeds and sultanas and a coffee.

My NDIS support worker has decided to do weekly phone check ins ...tho she forgot with public holiday.  Its fine I am forgiving. I will also do music and exercise. I have  2 music events this week ... a small ensemble and a larger ensemble on weekend. So gently bently... as usual ... these days ... tho there might have once been a time when I was speedy gonzales...

my son was not mad about my chicken in tomato ... ah well ... he had a bit ... more for me! I had to use up the paste ... it was not bad ... but he has good taste buds ...or so I joke to myself ... but not really a fusspot.

just chatting ...

Hospitals can be overwhelming ...not the best place for overall healing ....

do what you have to do ...

[tonys]

Hi @EternalFlower .   hope your days passing peacefully.  Never realized just how long the  MH road is till I first read your and Appleblossoms  letters a year or so ago. Is It always just behind folks like cold breath on the neck.  Finding chain mail that fits without being weighed down and the right tailor to fit it.

Nothings easy.      Takes time.

You may or may not see it,  but there is a subtle difference in your letters.   Sand castles will wash away,

the beach will change on you, but you wake each day, find new ways to build and your stride gains confidence till you take change in your stride.  I agree with your case manager. Self indulgence for you should be a habit like brushing your teeth. Finding pleasure in whatever you can, however small is a life skill and health pill.   You really do need and deserve pleasure mate.

Good people will come and go.  Its hard.  Peaks and troughs,   we work towards realizing its all a part of linear..  Lets pray we keep this new case manager of yours.   

Smell from your kitchen is driving me nuts.     Bon Appetit.    

Yes the room is lovely, way better than I'm used to.  Flowers trimmed and water  changed daily.  

I really miss my farm and the critters,  but  this is test,    to welcome change.  That is my mission.

Thankyou Eternal.   Your journey is my journey,  You see deep water,  I'll take your hand.       tonys

[tonys]

Doing good to the earth..  That,   for me says more about you than all your letters combined.    I say again..      Your an Oak @Appleblossom                                                                                 t  mb 1

[Shaz51]

Hello @tonys , @EternalFlower , @Appleblossom , @Owlunar , @Oaktree 

Sitting here with you my friends❤️

[tonys]

Well worn but comfy couch it is to.    I'm honoured you would sit with me and hope you are carving new laugh lines as we share ..        peace and harmony to you too  @Shaz51  and thankyou so much for your friendship.                                                                                                                   tonys.

[Shaz51]

See you tomorrow @tonys , @EternalFlower 😁🙃

[EternalFlower]

Hey @Owlunar nice to see u...it is never easy to do trauma work for sure....we are going slow with emdr. I have not began yet, just step by step. i wish i had been offered this years ago as well but somehow trauma takes so many years to settle

Hope u are doing ok