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Dear @Aonaran
Welcome to the forum, I'm so glad you've decide to join in the conversation!
I've increasingly been aware of many folk like yourself who are not yet feeling ready to jump in, but are reading and observing nevertheless. That is fine, I think we all understand that it is a terribly hard thing to break through the slience and isolation of many years and speak up - even anonymously. You are all welcome here .
I do love your Gaelic name choice. Hopfeully being part of the forum here will help you feel less of a loner, and that you belong here.
I like your honesty and courage. It takes guts to say "something", especially when you feel you have nothing of value to say. But I think you do have something. I see that you are a survivor of a debilitating MI for over 20 years. I don't want to minimise your sense of desperation in wanting to end your life, but I'm glad you haven't. It takes a great deal of courage to live through that feeling, please don't miss that important message in your journey.
I think as you get to know more of us here on the forum you will find that we do care about your existence & your well-being.
Having lived with episodic severe depression for 35 years myself, I really understand that feeling of carting an enormous millstone around your neck physically and emotionally every day. And if you've been through that for 20+ years with very little support I'm really sorry, because that is hellish to deal with even when you have support.
I know that it might sound odd, but one of the most important things that has helped to shift a lot (not all) of my depression has been learning to have more compassion for myself when I am stuggling. To acknowledge there is a reason for me feeling that way, even if I can't see it at the time, or it takes years to find it. So please try to be gentle with yourself, as you would with someone you really care about who is having a terrible time through no fault of their own.
You say "I suspect things have gone too far into the dark to ever escape the numbing shadow of What Might Have Been". What might have been in the past is not now, but as another friend on the forum @Rick says - "hope endures", so please hold on to that. I'll look forward to hearing from you again soon. Take care.
Kindest regards,
Kristin
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