@outlander Thanks for asking.  I am still fragile.  I have wasted a whole week, since concert on Sunday. Went to dentist today for 3 fillings. Feeling low, not intense, but only able to do the bare minimum.

I still cant see your pic, but will check later.

@Former-Member Your last post is the most beautiful warm supportive post addressing some of the things I carry. It made me feel heard. Thank you so much.  Maybe I could not respond to it earlier because it is all just too big.

I had thought of doing a submission and writing, but could not bring myself to do it. I felt paralysed and would just stare at the screen.  Most of my life I have forc-ed myself to do the uncomfortable hard things. Just grit teeth and do it ... yeah ... but that has its consequences ... and not just figurative.

In last 15 years I have done a great deal of rehab swimming and meditation yoga and tai chi and walking etc.

Perhaps this is part of me applying gently bently to me.  I was ruthless with my own self and feelings as there was so much other need around me.

@Former-Member Dont doubt yourself.  I have always appreciated you.  You know the tragedy of a lot of MI within the family, and know bereavement and must have experience depression, yet still do practical and loving things.  I have tried to do that too.  I am just taking stock of the damage.  The difference between my dreams of love and family and the way it is.

I bought 2 music stands so my son & I have one in each of our music rooms. He needs it for guitar and I need one for recorder.

He just walked in the door, as I type feeling tired. He spent day with his dad. I have to face the difficulty of a son with a serious MI. I have felt driven and guilt. I know things were not ideal. I do admire and respect my children, though there are tensions. We do have resources and abilities so I just have to keep quietly taking next step.

This forum has helped break down my isolation so much. 

Kept me alive for the last 4 years.

@PeppiPatty just letting you see my "home" thread, if you are interested.