I like writing my nonsense under the one posting, if it annoys anyone just let me know.

Ok, well i am struggling with all the thoughts in my head lately, i am slowly ger=tting more and more confused? agitated? hmmm not too sure how to explain it, but i think i have mentioned it before, i find myself really questioning my reality.... hmmm like when i look back from now at the last year and a bit, how much of what i remember? think? know? is actually real, i also find myself questioning circumstances that transpired, like the deterioration of my work/job..... how ill was i really? then i think about what i have been through with my ex..... hmmm i find myself querying the situation, like it almost seems to be set up from earlier in the year, and coursed it's way through to the end result, i try and think about how i was feeling or acting at certain times, would it be classed as pychosis? or is that just me looking too much into it,

i know well i feel that i this week, well early this week, definately had a moment of something? i mean i made myself extremly sick, or did i? i am finding myself so confused, and when i find myself starting to think alot of things have been a conspiracy against me, which is definately an odd thought, but i know i have had that thought a few times before, and then i find myself before taking my meds.... questioning the why behind taking them? i still take them, but i have a pause and have to remind myself that they are needed.

I also find myself isolating myself, and getting stuck in my own thoughts.... i don't/can't seem to be able to reach out to my friends, to broach our friendship.... if there is still one, i don't know, i am finding myself to afraid to even attempt to contact a couple of them.... like my brain just tells me it is a really bad idea, and the fear stops me........... i know i shouldn't, but i can't seem to get past that point.

i also know my ex has now gotten into another relationship already, and he has moved in with her, that hurts, as it should, but i find myself wondering if she can move on like that, 12 years, and less then 4 months she has moved on, it doesn't make sense, but i suppose it doesn't matter, i should just move on also, find some new friends maybe, and put everything behind me......

i am ok emotionally, really, it's weird, like i get sad briefly, over everything, but it is only brief, then i seem to just sorta forget, or distract myself, i don't seem to feel happy, i definately feel guilt sometimes, and anger, but again they are fleeting emotions, i don't seem to ever be happy, or if i am it's almost like exstatic for a brief period...... otherwise i am just sorta dulled, i don't have any hobbies, nothing actually interests me, except for reading if i am in the mood, or being on here, that's a sorta hobbie,

perhaps i need to change something, like i said find new friends, but i don't know how to, or really want to, i would like to go out on a friday or saturday night, but then i would be drinking at a club or bar on my own..... not really fun, so i don't do it. I can't figure out how to work out getting community help, well i probably do, but again fear stops me calling the numbers, for fear of rejection i suppose.

ok wrapping up, not after advice etc, just me venting my thoughts

thank you