Hey @Troubled_One 

I really feel for you, and by the way ranting is allowed! I also really relate to your feeling of wanting to pin down the cause of your MI. This can be both helpful and unhelpful in my experience. Helpful to look at where it may have come from, unhelpful in changing the current reality much. It is our present, our future being impacted. Searching for the journey to wellness can be long and arduous, but it is worthwhile. Even if your parents were completely able to say "yes we really stuffed up and you carry the damage" (unlikely from the sounds of it) it might ease things a bit, but you would still more than likely have this struggle.

I don't know if it might help you at all but I'm reading a book at the moment which I'm finding really helpful dealing with a lot of the family pain hangover I carry. A lot of what you say is resonating with things in the book - it's called Legacy of the Heart (The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood) by Wayne Muller.

A few years ago if anyone had suggested there were any advantages in this I would have felt like hitting them, never mind biting their head off! But recently, in the last couple of years, I have been surprised to find that it is the case, and so I was intrigued by the title. He's not dismissive or minimising, instead he invites us to feel the deep hurt we carry - to recognise it - so that we can move through to our deeper selves and the gifts which we all have.

Hope for a healing journey endures...

Kind regards, 

Kristin

PS Happy Birthday for Monday - I hope you do something which you really enjoy, with someone who appreciates you for who you are.