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Thank you all so much for your posts and concern @Former-Member @Kurra @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Former-Member
My computer needed replacement as it could only stay online for about 5 secs before it blinked and blacked out. Am back online now, but only popping onto this thread for a while.
Re cousin I spent a few nights grieving for her and communicated with her 2 brothers. She came from a family of lower status like us so it unfortunately also fueled my sense of outrage at the injustices we endured.
I am not sure if my mental state would be deemed psychotic but I flipped out in choir when there was not a seat for me and I could not slip in quietly when I was late. This flipping out business or behaving badly in public is really recent for me .. Then I was so scared I had alienated my last port of call and just so overwhelmed, very teary, shakey and very suicidal.
We were rehearsing in a hospital and a nurse coming off duty asked if I was ok, I mumbled and but eventaully saw the big emergency sign and thought of this forum and decided to present to ED for the first time off my own bat. Overall it was a very good and caring experience, I waited a few hours, they were probably observing my interactions with other patients. I was in my complete nutcase mode, but harmless and polite and very scared but labile. Triage nurse said I should be seen in 1/2 hour but they were busy and as it got late and they kept me and I missed last train... they were grateful I waited 3 hours. The social worker spoke to me for a couple of hours and then they let me rest til the first morning train. I was glad they didnt just give me benzo.. though some of the stuff I spouted about meds and drugs etc.. probably scared them off that approach.
I was tested for blood alcohol but it was zero, though I had a fundraiser port in choir break just before presenting.
I was badly triggered in ED as there was a young man dripping blood and it reminded me of times with my brother .. so I was sympathising with nurses having to mop up blood etc.
I kept saying "where are all the grown ups?" So it was nice they covered and cared for me and even gave me a heated blanket.
Dear @Former-Member Thanks for checking in for me a lot.
I also was getting very aggravated and out of control because I was feeling manipulated by sister on facebook.
You can post "Thinking of you" and it is meaningful to me as a genuine comment becasue we have been in general contact over a year. You really helped break my isolation. My sister posted it on facebook for my birthday. I thought she was doing it for show to the others who were friends.
That was the first comment from my sister in a 20 year stone walling exercise ... my mind kept exploding with all sorts of responses to her .. I had finally calmed myself down and accepted her out of my life and then I had that going on as well as my brother and cousin. I sent her some pictures that suggested some sister similarities, but I think it is best that I stay very quiet around her, as it was getting dangerous. I was feeling dangerous to me ... on roads and on PT.
I think I am ok now have tweaked up meds and very quiet and LOTS of SLEEPING and GARDENING.
I tried to downplay ED incident with son, we are both puddling along.
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