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  • Author : CheerBear
  • Support : 5
  • Topic : Something’s not right
17 Aug 2017 11:21 PM
Community Elder
I'm heading to my psych appointment today, which was the appointment this week that I have been most worried about. It's been playing on my mind for the past month, when the biggest 'should' challenge and hypomanic episode words happened. Today feels scary enough that sleep was almost non-existent last night.

I hate that I am in a position where I need this support of my psych now more than ever because of c-link, even though I know that it's not doing much good for my head at the moment. The message I get constantly from anyone who sees this mess, is that I need to allow myself time to move past what's happened and that it is very hard to begin moving past it when things are still happening (which I very much agree with). Unfortunately the whole c-link system doesn't seem to agree, and that's why I really do need my psych right now. It would be a mistake for me to do what I desperately want to do today, and tell them that while the work we've being doing for lots of years has been very helpful in the past, it's no longer helping me and feels like it is actually harmful for me. I'm back in a position where I need to shut up and be quiet about something that's hurting me and that I really don't want to shut up about, and that's not good for my mashed head right now.

I'm worried about getting hold of the evidence document I need for c-link today. Following the aftermath of last weeks housing interview and then the referral letter earlier this week, I am not feeling confident that I have the ability to manage the effects of being confronted with the mess in big words on paper, particularly when those words will be directed straight at my head. I am definitely not confident that I'll be able to tolerate having it questioned by someone I don't know who will be making a big decision about my life in an interview next week.

I have a plan today though, and plans always help me. I'm going to take a big breath and feel my feet on the ground, tell myself that I have done what feels impossible to do more times in the last year than I could have imagined ever having to do, hold on to the knowledge that it is one person's perspective on my muddle (and their perspective is not at all a surprise given what career they have), and remind myself that it is the 18th of August 2017 and none of the bad stuff is actually happening again even though it might feel like it is. There is yet to actually be something that has proven to 'have me' and I do have a 100% success rate of 'got this' even when it feels like it's 'got me'. Part of the plan is also to listen to and sing the llama song and the duck song as often as I want, and carry a mermaid psychiatrist in my pocket who is great at doing no harm, as a fall back for if things go totally belly up. I probably won't mention this last part of the plan to anyone writing any important letters over the next little bit.

So with that I am taking a big breath and am off on this adventure. I feel really bad that I am here in the nest being consumed by my own stuff at the moment, and so much want to be back to a more stable headspace where I can step beyond it and give a bit back. I hope I will get back to being able to do that once these tricky appointments are over with in the next few days. I do very much care about how my friends and not-friends here are getting on, I'm just a bit caught up in the muddy muddle. Am thinking of lots of you often though.

Hope today has good in it for everyone.

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