@Former-Member,
Sorry to hear this shocking news with your BIL (is that hubby's bro?). These are big life curveballs you're having to navigate. Please pace yourself, survival mode is ok for a time, go gently and take lots of breaks through the day. We're here for you too.
I was about to post this reply before I head this last bombshell, but I'll post it anyway, for what it's worth:
Hi @Former-Member, I didn't realise things had escalated to this level for you, just that you'd been so quiet, I'm glad you like the flowers in the rain, I saw you as one of them, shining as you do regardless of the weather. I hadn't finished reading your post this morning, but here now and walking with you.
I'm so proud of you for staying with us instead of withdrawing, even though we're fickle at times, because the good does outweigh the bad.
Safety Plans are good to have, I must revise mine. Knowing our Warning Signs and Triggers is half the battle. Its no surprise you've go all the warning signs - I find most people with SI have this... (extreme overload looking for a way out)... I have trouble monitoring my feelings building up so it's been a breakthrough for me to see SI as a 'red flag' rather than an option, and to start urgently reactivating all strategies learnt. This might mean moving other things out the way. I'm glad you've identified the escalating warning signs and taking action - like not isolating yourself from here. We need each other 💓
My reasons to live are hard to find too, but guess that's the point of the exercise - to remind us. It revelotutionised me to identify my values, and reacquaint with the things that bring me a sense of joy after I've done them (like sewing, country views, prayer, discovering things, making things beautiful) and i do these things more... feeds my soul... Self nurture I guess - putting yourself first sometimes. Exercising restraint away from destructive paths is hard work, but replacing them with good seems a more natural shift for me. You have so many skills - craft, Art, Movies, Music, Reading, Crosswords and Sudoku, Gardening, and of cause fur baby Holly - can't buy that kind of joy 🙂
I get those thoughts too: "not wanted" "better off without me" "nothing left to lose"... Its Blackdog twisting things you know. Have you read the book "taming the blackdog"? Really good.
I'm glad you're back sooner than expected 👍 You can get through. - stay strong. You can't take you out of the equation entirely, because you have to do it for you most of all.
You are worthy!
You are enough!
💜💙❤️🧡💚💛
🌷🦉
