CROSS

[Former-Member]

When I was a child I was really angry. I would blow up big. If I was mad at you I would take you down. I actually made grown adults cry when I was 7. Literally I was viscous. If you upset me I would make you know and feel like rubbish.

My mother couldn't handle my anger and I was tested for the obvious behaviour promblems at a young age and nope had none. My mum then decided to put me in therapy.

In therapy I was taught to not react straight away in hatetred. I was taught to breath and ivaluate this issue. I learnt to think what will be the outcome. Is it worth it. I learnt how to use my anger for good and ways to slowly let if out in positive ways. I learnt how to address the issue if someone made me angry and how to talk to them about the issue.

But the crummy thing about this is I was growing up in a house of abuse. I was also the blame for everything. The kid is also the easy person to blame. I was actually told my step father quit his high paying job because I was out of control and that's why I was living on nothing but pasta with no sauce for a week at a time when actually he got fired for having drugs in his system. I was a kid getting abused and if I was angry about it my mother would get mad at me and threaten to send me back to counselling as I chose to be angry I chose to have these feelings and it's all my fault and I'm not behaving like a normal person.

So now I'm looking back at all those issues that I had to be ok with and use proper healthy techniques for and I'm brining them up with my mother and going what the hell! I had all right to be angry and act out. You let a violent man in the house I have all right not be a healthy functional child.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

you certainly did have every right to be angry.

it also sounds as though you were given lessons in how to better ventilate your anger.

did they not think why is it that such a young child is so very angry?.

This is a good example of your mother not facing the truth, her own anger at the way your stepfather was abusing her love and trust. 

So common people unable to express their feelings so what to do with them redirect them at someone else.

to be able to explore these raw, tender, buried emotions in a safe, trusted environment is paramount.

[Former-Member]

Not meant to read as "common people" 

should read as common that people

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member no they never thought to think why it's so strange I was so angry. I think my mother would of told them it's because of her and my father seperating and that my father would whisper a lot of lies to me. I was always in the middle.

I grew up not being able to talk about what I went through as they big guys might take me away and mum said that would make her sad.

So I think everyone thought I was a normal crushed over spoilt selfish child.

My mother was never an angry person. She's a push over. I'm actually telling her she needs to get some courage. I just think she was doing the best she could but couldn't face it that it was her choices that caused me to act out like that. It was never ever her fault. She was young and just needed love and thought he would change and all that rubbish I don't believe. She was selfish.

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member

That is a very positive attitude to have about your mother's circumstances and possible way of thinking.

Overpowering, manipulative people are very clever at distorting the truth and basically controlling another's responses, reactions.

The other thing is that today, we have the internet, books, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists all trained and geared for opening up about our feelings. This was not the case when our parents were younger. Specialists existed but most doctors did not refer unless someone appeared seriously unwell.

Perhaps you can think of yourself as an advocate for your mum as well  as others.

[Former-Member]

manipulation referring to step father

[Former-Member]

feelings of irritation, fidgeting, tension, headaches, stiffness and aching in back, shoulders.

am still jet lagged and now wondering which part is jet lag, which part is anxiety...yes that has been hanging around trying to grasp my attention.

depression not apparent.. have noticed that when depression has it's ugly hold anxiety not noticeable if there at all. When anxiety has it's hold depression absent or silent.

so my question to myself is when I am deep in depression am I just not aware of anxiety, as my depression turns me into nothingness, numbness...devoid of feeling?

when I notice anxiety trying very hard to  become centre stage, where is the depression?

For me depression is far worse than anxiety. I can still feel with anxiety. I can think. I can make choices.

I have been very industrious the last two days wearing myself out and finding myself exhausted in the late afternoons. Jet lag I am assuming. However I have a clearer perception about me now that I have not felt in such a long, long time.

I am learning yet again, that with progress in a diagnosis of mental health, there is very much, back and forth, to and fro, upstairs, downstairs, inside out stuff.

Might just go back down the rabbit hole,

[Appleblossom]

I was not angry when I was a child but sure have felt a lot of angry feelings in last 30 years.

I try not to hurt others, but some might disagree wih that. It has never been intentional.  The "anger dance" is a very difficult path to walk and for a long while I could not manage my anger very well, no matter my determination. I am better at it now. 

Hi @Former-Member & @Former-Member

Anxiety is a whole different kettle of fish.

but both do have a lot to do with

ENERGY IN MOTION

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom

I resonated with your response.

I was talking about anger the other day with my psychiatrist.

I didnt actually used to believe that I was angry only cross. So I had even learnt to downplay the word that I used to describe the feeling.

Anxiety is an internal burning that is relentless.

Yes, they are definitely both energy in action as opposed to depression the nothingness, the silenced, held down energy.

Which is worse?

How long is a piece of string?

The intensity is relative to the individual experiencing the emotion. Relative to the lifelong experiences, traumas and how they were dealth with.

Hmmm too deep now yet again.

I shall leave it alone for the moment.

Always love having a discussion with you though Appleblossom.

I hope that the fact that I haven't seen you on here for  a while means that you are travelling lighter and life such as it is, is treating you more kindly.

take care xxxx

[Appleblossom]

Yes love talking to you. @Former-Member

I agree.... "cross" is a watered down version ... also one related to the whole Christian symbolism .... eventually took it as a way to legitimate some forms of anger at specific events behaviours etc.

The idea of anxiety as continual burning is new to me.  I have thought of that more as fire in the belly .. and therefore tending to anger more than anxiety .. but open to learning and finer differentiation of feeling... so maybe I am calling that feeling more anger than anxiety ...

I have a lot of anxiety symptoms etc ...   so afraid if I snap or am direct or blunt and not completely diplomatic or emapthetic that I am doing wrong .. then self whip ... but thinking of that feeling as anxiety actually will help me .... THANKS