Dealing with a problem creatively

[PeppiPatty]

@Appleblossom

Without judgement, i have been thinking of the feeling of being in control your daughter feels she has by having her Partner in her life.......

There seems to be a feeling that you have been a great Mum and she is being reminded by the "teacher," in her life. 

I think what she cant cope with and doesnt know how to be....is loving to you in a maternal way about your story before she was born.....something about letting go of her own....story and seeing you as someone who had sadness .....

I dont know if im making sense....it feels like i or you should commenrt, if im on the right track?

[Appleblossom]

@PeppiPatty

You go to the core of my many matters and describe it well. Thanks. I have tried so many things. I took her to a hip hop workshop once and she was just beginning to relax and enjoy herself and then she panicked and said she did not want to finish it, found fault with everything and we left.

I accept that she manages her own life. I respect independence, and was grateful to her partner for being able to support my daughter when she got sick overseas, because I was unable. 

You are right that there was too much sadness for us to deal with.  She needs to live more and mature to be able to understand. She is very strong and ethical so I hold out hope that we will work it out eventually.  I am proud of her maybe one day she can be proud of me.

Re judgement; many people do, but I know what I lived through.  I am also a determined and ethical person, and I seriously doubt anybody could have done better in my position.

I recently bought a bag in the opshop called "gossip girl".  I dont do it but have often been the focus of it, and have decided to make a personal joke about it. I know the looks .. oh the one with 2 suicides .. and the knowing nod etc. It has hurt in the past but it is actually so unrelated to my guilt that I am starting get a sense of fight back.

[PeppiPatty]

Hm

@Appleblossom i've seen a journey with someone who stumbled along in it someone who didnt do a good job. 

About 5 years ago, i went into a store owned by someone i knew well, his nephew was working in the store and told me, oh yes, he is having a coffee across the road, did you know both of his brothers have committed suicide 6 months apart.......,, he just found out about his older brother over the weekrend ? 

.After a pause for  me to gather my thoughts, i said, okay, you have told your gossip to the last person ever. If i hear you have said that again, ille tell my friend  and  bugger the consequences. After another pauze, i said im sure you dont realise how upsetting it would be for your uncle and i trust it doesnt happen again. 

You should have seen the nephew sitting......

There is definately openings for communication to happen but it feels like whatever the communication is you need to be very safe in it......

Your story is safe here. I love how you write. Please write more on your daughters day to day and maybe all here with me, we can knuckle out some dialogue we can feel is a beginning ....,,

 It might take a while....?.

[Appleblossom]

@PeppiPatty

Yes I can see by the stats that there are so many others who suffer from these kinds of stigma. It gives me the courae to just say it as it is here on this forum. Good on you for being assertive and direct.

I could never do that as I was too tongue tied and would only realise and think of response much later. I am embracing my "grumpy old lady" so I hope in the future I will be able to.

Thanks for talking about safety. I am lucky in that I have a home, but as my osteo said it took me 10 years to recover enough from marriage to be able to get out of my bedroom and start taking over the loungeroom for more than just work.  I am a piano teacher.  My son has his end of the house with his own family room etc. My students have dwindled down to 2 and thats ok as I am not desperate for money and report my income to Centrelink so there are balances.

That is a long time,to live in acute physical pain (neck and spine) and I was getting retraumatised by my daughters and calling the Cat team every year for about 5 years for overwhelming suicidality but that seems to hav eased off. I spent 15 years trying to talk sibs out of it so I am very experienced.

[PeppiPatty]

@Appleblossom

How are you? Im having a rest at home  today and reading but i thought about you and your daughter last night  when i was reading my book. 

Would you ever send her a card, just writing:

Dear................, thinking about you, love from Mum 

[Former-Member]

Hi @PeppiPatty, and @Appleblossom 

Thankyou both for sharing your stories and writing on here! i've been reading but not writing much lately 🙂

My kids and I went out for a walk around a lake today, was actually quite nice (even though its freezing today!) but its the first time ive gone outside for a walk with them on my own (other than woolies and shpping) since I seprated from my ex.. im alway looking over my shoulder and terrified that he'll turn up.. but I made myself do it today... becaue the kids really need to be allowed to be outside and experience other things in life than the inside of our home (i dont let them play outside even in the back yard very often 😞 ) and their school/kindy... It was a bit scary but there were lots of people walking there so it felt a bit safer i guess... and i think we might do some differen walks around the place in the future!

Enjoy your rest day JA47Y0 and hope you're having a lovely day appleblossom

LJ

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for asking about my day. I have been single for 13 years and it felt really nice that you both cared. I spent a lot of time on the freeway,  Met a wellknown policeman and listened to a forum on the Royal commission.   Son was bouncy and happy coming back from his whole day rehearsal.I was relieved, if we are doing what we love, work can create energy it does not just take it.We had last nights dinner tonight and he said I cant go to sleep til I accompany him with some Puccini. 

@Former-Member

The lake sounds great. Busy outdoor public spaces are somewhat safer him.Just wind through the hair stuff and more space if kids need to muck up a bit. Even if it is only brief in winter. Botanical gardens, big siide places. Even the indoor pool, I made sure kids were water safe and it helped me with my back.

@PeppiPatty

I am pretty tired so I hope I dont pass out at the piano.

Thanks for suggesting things for my daughter but it is a bit beyond gift cards. I have done heaps of small stuff like that for years. I sent a small allowance when she lived for year in Lithuania. Her overseas addiction started at 15 she went to the US for a 6 month student exchange with her auntie (who reminds me of Brene Brown) but extended it.I just cant compete with the highflying. The aunt is a good person (a vice principal and won teacher of the year in her state etc) but my daughter never came back to live with me. Both my daughters kept the aunt company through her marriage breakup by living with her in her small town during their year 10s. I was terrified I could not afford a 3 BR house that was close enough to her city school. I managed, but she did not want it. I live on the wrong side of town.

She is playing funny buggers about a few things.  My GP says she must have problems to be so stubborn, which is nice of him.

On the other hand, she did have it tough, even though I kept trying to find experiences and supports for them.

One day at a time

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom 

Hi, glad your son has come home more energetic and that your dinner from last night won't go to waste! I always cook for two or three nights lol... lazy i suppose! a piano and (singing?) night will be great! hopefully you'll get a second wind hehe.. and then sleep peacefully tonight!

Families are difficult.. I have no contact with any family now, too hard. Hopefully your girls will one day be able to reflect on their situations with some new/changed perspectives! (age/wisdome/new experiences) ... Its hard to compete with some people and life experiences...

LJ

[PeppiPatty]

Hey @Appleblossom 

Hope your sleeping.....

Thank you for your message.......

Im  also on the wrong side of the track   my dad bullied me put of my home......c'est la vie...

My family try ....very hard not to bring my working and home situation up in company.  Mum spends a lot of time with my successful brothers...

Poor Mum.

If the card wont work, then....i cant think of anything else at the moment.......

But there must be something.......

Yes, your poor darling daughter is missing out on you. 

......its all about the soul......

[Appleblossom]

Thanks anyway

Last night I got really triggered and couldnt sllep til 5ish. I wrote more about girls in my thread about triggering I dont know if you read it.  I wouldnt mind your response.

I am pooped

Son finally realised he is pooped too and just gave me a hug and cancelled our singing session tonight.  Its so recent that he could even allow me to express affection again .. ie after adolescence.

cheers