I've had the most productive appointment with my psych in what seems like ages. Somehow we managed to talk about how difficult and challenging I have been finding our work and why. I was completely upfront and honest about how much I didn't want to go to the appointment today, how I felt like I wanted this to be our last appointment, how hard it is to feel like the finger is pointed at my brain or my personality etc. and how hard it is to need their support with c-link.
It was one of the most important discussions I have had with them. We worked together to 'clunk' our way through their perspective and mine, and find something that worked for both of us. It felt like they took a much more strengths vs deficit, collaborative approach that I was in control of today, which I appreciated a lot. We spoke about how hard it was to read this stuff on paper, so after my appointment they wrote the letter (they were going to write it over the weekend and email it to me) and then we read over it together to make sure I was comfortable with it and to take away the anxiety of finding out what it says at my c-link appointment (gotta love avoidance).
The letter lists a pretty big array of symptoms including eating issues, sleeping issues, hypervigilance, phobic reactions, panic attacks, helplessness, hopelessness, amotivation, impact on energy, agitation, anxiety, excessive startle response, decreased concentration, excessive rumination, but none of which I feel uncomfortable about or disagree with. The diagnoses are MDD and PTSD with no mention of personality anything. It concludes by saying that these things, together with all the other 'stuff' (also listed) significantly impact my ability to complete day to day tasks, engage in meaningful relationships and seek or maintain employment, therefore making me unsuitable for it at this time. It concludes with a statement saying that with appropriate treatment and time, things have the potential to one day improve for me, which gives me some glimmer of hope. When we booked our next appointment, we had a laugh together about how we both find our work hard sometimes (I think I may have said they drive me completely mad) but how in a strange way, it does work. I'm very thankful that we could work it out. Today feels like a teeny step towards fixing mashed brain.
It's been a massive day to end a massive week, and I'm totally spent, but it was worth it and I've done everything I can now to be prepared for next week. I am a mix of sad, tired, proud and hopeful. Mostly tired now though and glad the weekend is almost here and I can get a break from things.
Thank you to those who have come past today and those who continue to ride alongside me for the incredibly bumpy, wonky ride. I so very much appreciate it.
Your strength, perserverance and courage (with a little help from mermaid psychiatrist) will get you through today - and then we will be here for you afterwards 
