Learning about Relationship Boundaries

[Wanderer]

Xxx

[Eve7]

Boundary setting is not my strong point @Appleblossom 

Why do you think my sons live rent free?? Anyway if they look after my property then I’m not paying the taxman,

2022....bring it on!!

[Appleblossom]

So you have them contribute in a way that is good for the whole family as well as gaining skills.

@Eve7 

My son pays rent but is not up to property maintenance. Not his thing.  Lucky fellow to have options. We are all different the way we encourage our boys to manup.

@Wanderer Yep learning what to take on and what to walk away from ....

In Sociometry they talked about cocentric rings of closeness ... inner circle ... family ... friends .... outer circles ....

I know academic concepts @BPDSurvivor  But my boundaries were so violated in so many ways I am only figuring it out now.  Actually setting new ones ... still way out of my comprehension.... I keep letting people cross and be disrespectful.

I am proud when Son's ex wanted him to sign a passport form about my grandson .... in a language he could not read .... I piped up ... 'you want to pass that by your lawyers' .... made them all think a little ... my son was amenable ... too pleasing to her ....but he also asked for something else he wanted. 

Thanks @Shaz51 @Zoe7 

Time again for this lil ole song ...by the Byrds .. . For everything there is a season .... yes those seasons do keep coming round.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2IYnGRYac  ....

@Anastasia 

Hugs Bella ... you have lotsa qualities ... keep hanging in there.

In last few weeks I also spoke very directly in opposition to a few a people socially and did not stop the relationships.  I really needed to open my mouth.  Too well trained to silence.

[Appleblossom]

So you have them contribute in a way that is good for the whole family as well as gaining skills.

@Eve7 

My son pays rent but is not up to property maintenance. Not his thing.  Lucky fellow to have options. We are all different the way we encourage our boys to manup.

@Wanderer Yep learning what to take on and what to walk away from ...

In Sociometry they talked about cocentric rings of closeness ... inner circle ... family ... friends .... outer circles ....

I know academic concepts @BPDSurvivor  But my boundaries were so violated in so many ways I am only figuring it out now.  Actually setting new ones ... still way out of my comprehension.... I keep letting people cross bounds of basic decency and be disrespectful.

I am proud ...when Son's ex wanted him to sign a passport form about my grandson .... in a language he could not read .... I piped up ... 'you want to pass that by your lawyers' .... made them all think a little ... my son was amenable ... too pleasing to her ....but he also asked for something else he wanted... such a reasonable request it should have been taken for granted .... but this is not the world we live in ....

Thanks @Shaz51 @Zoe7 

Time again for this lil ole song ...by the Byrds .. . For everything there is a season .... yes those seasons do keep coming round.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2IYnGRYac  ....

@Anastasia 

Hugs Bella ... you have lotsa qualities ... keep hanging in there.

In last few weeks I also spoke very directly in opposition to a few a people socially and did not stop the relationships.  I really needed to open my mouth.  Too well trained to silence.

[Appleblossom]

This kind of thinking and analysis might help me with my difficulties with boundaries ...

Issues:

Knowing and reflecting that my mother relationship was deeply problematic

Double Binds

Relationship Attunement or lack

Adapting to/Accepting 'What is Available'

Title: Colluding with Being Ignored and Self Betrayal in Relationships

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTCy4FEl4UE 

Not sure what others think ....

[Appleblossom]

@Eve7 @Wanderer @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Faith-and-Hope 

What do you think of this division between ultimatums and boundaries?

I have operated from Hope for so long.  It is only recently I have claimed my security and operated from a more knowing position.

[Former-Member]

Wow @Appleblossom, this I found this to be a really powerful distinction, thank you so much for sharing. It honestly feels like it sums up three years of therapy in 3 minutes  🙌

As you say, there is a distinct difference between hope and clarity with regards to boundaries. So how do we move from hope to clarity? That may be a million dollar question, but I'd love to hear your thoughts @Appleblossom and those in the community who have some pearls of wisdom to share 😊

[Appleblossom]

From hope to clarity ...  long story ... The Getting of Wisdom ... idk

@Former-Member 

I think its thought provoking ... but I am not sure about some of its assumptions.

Eg. Hope is still a very valuable motivation/emotion. 

Fear can be an experience of integrity ... does not seem right to put down people in fear.  Fear can also be a very full and authentic experience of being.

boundaries seem to come with a lot of privilege ... which I have had to unpack first to make any sense of it as a "good" and not just being self centred.

[Former-Member]

Sometimes I wish we had a microphone function in the forums, especially for times like these where I let out an audible "right on" to your post 😊 You have such a profound depth to your thinking @Appleblossom, have you ever considered peer work?

[Appleblossom]

Just started a masters in the field of Disability and Inclusion. @Former-Member I do want to effect policy.