Learning about Relationship Boundaries

[Appleblossom]

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf

1 Provided by TherapistAid.com
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A
person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are
also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or
otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too
involved with others has porous boundaries.

Common traits of rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.

Rigid Boundaries Porous Boundaries Healthy Boundaries

Rigid:
Avoids intimacy and close
relationships.
Unlikely to ask for help.
Has few close
relationships.
Very protective of personal
information.
May seem detached, even
with romantic partners.
Keeps others at a distance
to avoid the possibility of
rejection.

Porous:
Overshares personal
information.
Difficulty saying “no” to the
requests of others.
Overinvolved with other’s
problems.
Dependent on the opinions
of others.
Accepting of abuse or
disrespect.
Fears rejection if they do
not comply with others.

Healthy:
Values own opinions.
Doesn’t compromise values
for others.
Shares personal
information in an
appropriate way (does not
over or under share).
Knows personal wants and
needs, and can
communicate them.
Accepting when others say
“no” to them.

Most people have a mix of different boundary types. For example,
someone could have healthy boundaries at work, porous boundaries in
romantic relationships, and a mix of all three types with their family. One
size does not fit all!

The appropriateness of boundaries depends heavily on setting. What’s
appropriate to say when you’re out with friends might not be appropriate
when you’re at work.

Some cultures have very different expectations when it comes to
boundaries. For example, in some cultures it’s considered wildly
inappropriate to express emotions publicly. In other cultures, emotional

[Shaz51]

very interesting @Appleblossom 

@cloudcore 

[Shaz51]

@Appleblossom  it is strange wht sticks in our mind sometimes as 30 years ago when i was single and 27 I went for a holiday and one day a Lady on the same holiday did not know me but she said " that I  will be looking for a father friger to be my  husband --- " WHAT , no way I thought 

[Appleblossom]

Oooh @Shaz51 

That could be said to be very forward and rude of her.  

Some people think they can say anything.

I have had many one liners dumped on me too.  Finally getting older and wiser.

[Appleblossom]

So it is over 6 years ago that I put up list on opening post.  Have I made any progress in understanding and establishing healthy boundaries? Not sure.  Tomorrow is a popularly accepted boundary in time. I am going to try and be assertive more often as a general way of sociallising, less people pleasing, and being less of a pushover.  Speaking more firmly and directing and voicing my concerns.  Recovering from being gobsmacked ... making joke and moving on.

Friends on here with better sense of boundaries than I ...   

@Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Anastasia @Faith-and-Hope @Eve7  @HenryX @Wanderer @Historylover @wellwellwellnez @BPDSurvivor @NatureLover 

and others ....what do you think?

[BPDSurvivor]

Having awareness of boundaries is a start @Appleblossom  - whether we are right every time is a different matter.

Sometimes, we need to be assertive. Sometimes, we need to please. Sometimes, we need to open our mouths. Sometimes we need to keep our mouths shut. There's a season and time for everything.

Having an awareness of healthy boundaries is the first step. I have this awareness, but there are times when I overstep the mark. I'm not always 'right'.

[Anastasia]

You give me waaaaay too much credit, thank you @Appleblossom x

[Zoe7]

In all the time I have known you here @Appleblossom you have showed considerable growth in so many ways ...and boundary setting is one of those. There are so many things you used to just 'put up with' but I have seen you become more confident to both voice your opinion and also just walk away when there is no point. You have gone through a hell of a lot in your years but what I have seen is a determination and courage to take on new things, fight for what you believe in and surround yourself with the right people for you - and those all take boundaries to do. So give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for your growth, your strength, your determination and also the boundaries you have already set and will be able to set moving forward 

[Shaz51]

Sometimes, we need to be assertive. Sometimes, we need to please. Sometimes, we need to open our mouths. Sometimes we need to keep our mouths shut. There's a season and time for everything.--- this is soo true my @BPDSurvivor 

I think there is a time for everything @Appleblossom , sometimes we get it wrong and sometimes we get it right 

the specialist wanted mr shaz to be more assertive , so i tried to encourage him to speak up , but he has  left the reins up to me to say something or do do something all the time 

am learning to say "No" more 

and I am finding it harder with caring for 2 other family members 

[Shaz51]

I agree with @Zoe7 

@Appleblossom