Lived Experience Forum

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Former-Member, 

It sounds like there's a lot happening for you right now and there have been some pretty invalidating experiences. I know that sometimes as you get older, it can seem that you become, as you say 'dispensible', however the way I see it, there is even more value in some ways. You have a wealth of experience and wisdom behind you that I'm sure many would benefit from hearing. 

I'm sorry to hear it has been tough to find effective support IRL, but trust that there are many here on the Forums who care about you, and here, you're definitely not alone, so keep reaching out and updating us here whenever you need to.

I'd like to encourage you though to reach out to a supporting professional you trust about your thoughts with your medication, as it's always best to adjust and make changes in consultation with a doctor or similar, whoever's initially prescribed them if you're comfortable, or otherwise a supporting professional you're more comfortable  approaching.

I'm also going to tag @BPDSurvivor again just in case as I'm not sure if your initial tag for them worked 😊

Wishing you all the very best, 

TideisTurning 🌼

[Former-Member]

Thanks @TideisTurning - I don't see how you think it's possible to get prioritised in the system when it struggled to even before the pandemic. Honestly don't know where to begin. And it's like a giant maze that has me running around after it, with little return, then blame me for not trying hard enough... I'm tired and don't have the energy anymore. Hoping to self sustain in my bubble. But it helps to have you guys, a lot actually. Thanks 💗

[TideisTurning]

Oh @Former-Member, sorry- I must've read that wrong. I didn't realise you were talking specifically about the system. I was meaning generally, seniors have a lot of wisdom and insight to offer. I agree that systems can be tough to navigate sometimes- you're certainly not alone there either! I hope something is able to be worked out soon so you're able to access the support you're looking for and deserve.

[Former-Member]

no no I wasn't having a go at you @TideisTurning and do appreciate your support. My life is winding down I guess. Coming to terms with that is hard 💙

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Former-Member 

It is great you have had respite from SI and even thinking about going off meds.  Isn't it tricky when people around hold opposing views?  Best approach is work with your own thoughts, feelings and processes.  It is important to break up the issues to give you clarity, whether it is low mood or suicidal thoughts, or what psychological strategies might help.

I second @Smc 's comments.

Personally I have been trying to get off antidep for 25 years and am on very low doses, but still not feeling secure enough to go totally without meds.

Take Care and dont give yourself a hard time, cos life does that on its own.  Yes being able to grow your creative side has many positive spin offs.

Apple

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Former-Member !

Well...I'm taking my med reduction very very very slowly.

Until I was stable, I didn't dare change my antidepressant.

As a borderline, my first step was to develop the strategies I needed to "function". Prior to this, I stayed away from people, cried every day, SH continuously, wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating properly, hated life, hated people....I was an angry angry person! The antidepressants made a world of difference, but this was coupled with talking therapy. By this time, I was also on anti-anxiety meds to help with the insomnia - worked a treat with the sleep, but didn't it didn't teach me HOW to sleep - it just knocked me out. 

Over time, there were subtle behavioural changes. In retrospect, my mindset was changing, and I developed a reportoire of skills to help me cope with every day challenges.

After noticing I was able to cope with a lot more things, I had a change in medication so this different one didn't 'knock' me out to sleep. This was when I had informal sleep training. It took over a year, and I'm still relearning to sleep. Having done that, I am now further reducing this dose. I'm am taking it ever so slowly so as not to upset the equilibrium. 

So currently, I'm still on my antidepressant and also anti-anxiety med. I envisage weaning off all meds, but because I'm so well now, I'm not rushing it. I started a lower dose of my anti-anxiety med only last week - there have been a few physical symptoms, but otherwise, no change.

My next steps are reducing my anti-anxiety further until I'm totally off that. Then I'm going to work on the antidepressant. I give it about 6 months in between each change so I can monitor mood changes etc.

I see myself taking several years to come off meds completely. After 15 years of BPD trauma, I'm NOT prepared to go back into that dark space. I'd rather take it slowly. I think I should also mention, suicidal ideation is a diagnostic criterion for BPD. People diagnosed with BPD often do have thoughts of suicide. Therefore, I know my suicidal thoughts are chronic and not affected by meds. I also know I'm not going to act on them. That means, I am not using suicidal ideation as a reason to stay on my meds.

@Former-Member , take it slowly, whatever you do. Monitor yourself and your own condition. You know best. Medically, I can get off all my meds in 2-3 weeks, but I'm choosing to do it over a few years.

Whatever you chose, stay in touch 😉

And yes @Former-Member , I totally love every day of every moment in life, including all its ups and downs and round n' rounds! I NEVER thought I'd ever get out of my depressed BPD hole, but Voila! Here's loving proof that it's possible!

BPDSurvivor

@TideisTurning , thanks for re-tagging. I definitely didn't receive the first tag.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor   @Appleblossom   @TideisTurning  @TideisTurning 

Thanks for your reply, it's hard to trust one's own judgement when the tools used are those in question. Thinking I'll shelve the idea for now. But it's really good to  have someone to bounce ideas off, ta 💗

[BPDSurvivor]

@Former-Member ,

I think it's great you are thinking ahead as to what you'd like to work towards.

What an awesome start!

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

@Aopleblossom, I know you understand the significance of SI losing its power. It's beyond words the relief to not have that compulsion torturing me. Maybe it's cause I finally mustered the courage to block all my siblings and toxic people in my life. It's hard to have almost nobody
now but they triggered so much pain, and of cause, we know it's that spike in distressing emotional pain that causes the 'escape' thoughts. It is t 'tricky' with meds especially when health professionals hold opposing views. "Work with your own thoughts, feelings and processes" is where I've lost confidence.
Breaking up the issues to give clarity is a good idea. Maybe brainstorm on paper a little. Think I've got chronic laziness now, bit hard to gain momentum again. How do you do it? You too @BPSurvivor -hdydi! Guess it is winter. @thanks - I really appreciate @Smc 's comments. Have to digest the compliments better. It's so helpful to have our good bits validated. The world is so good at picking faults.
25 years is a lifetime... pharmaceutical co's are laughing :face_with_rolling_eyes: How do W stop "giving ourself a hard time" ? and push ourself at the same time? So confusing lol.
Still in bed here, really cold this morning.
The News is depressing, the world is in crisis, Betta turn it off 💕

[Smc]

Yeah @Former-Member, the news is an ugly place at the moment. Bed sounds good.

It's been raining on and off here, but we had a telehealth psych appointment at 9:00, so we're up and about. But we were finishing breakfast while we talked to her. 😛 Gonna be good all round when it's back to face to face appointments. Expression etc. conveys as much as words... maybe more.