Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Great cartoon @Smc 

@Former-Member 

It is very sad to lose the company of family, but if they are not support, they are not support.  Despite all the religious or moral compelling to care for family, from what you have described, some of your family are too damaged to get through to .... and have a level of adult reciprocal communication ....and some are too successful to get through to ....and most of them their defences up in different ways...some more socially acceptable than others but still dysfunctional as a family.

I see it as part of the pushing of competition generally over collaboration.  If the 'successful' sides of our families were not so defensive of their success at the expense and rejection of those in lesser social/financial positions there would be a lot less pain ... all round.  

Your sensitive side needs protection, cocooning from negative onslaught, calming down from the loss and questioning of grief, and re-orienting to your current life circumstances.  Your creative side continually shines forth and it would be good somehow to find a way to soothe your sadness and not get into the blame game, of you or others.  Sons are the next generation no matter what they or we do.  Dont read your self esteem into his messages positive or negative.

After going through all the yo yo of emotions, we can only steer our own boat through the storm.  We are both older woman with some resources and have a responsibility to keep modelling our best decisions and way of life ... til the end.  Yes I am getting stronger about my SI but can never be complacent or cocky to think I have conquered it.  The damage to me went very deep and it takes a lot of prayer and quiet to keep cruising on an even keel.

Cheers @Smc @PlantLover @BPDSurvivor @TideisTurning 

Book I am reading atm

I would not have survived at all if I had been too open to toxic comments or attitudes.  I simply would have been too agitated to drive or function and an accident would have been likely if I did. I try and find images from nature to help.  The coccoon is such a powerful one for me.

Take Care ALL

Apple

[Former-Member]

@Smc - made me chuckle - thats you were "finishing breakfast" during a telehealth session? I'm dominantly auditory so don't mind phone help, but facial expressions do help. I need to interact face2face more. 

Love the comic, veey apt🌺

[Former-Member]

Thanks Appleblossom, You seem to have a good grasp of my family dynamics. It's the lies and manipulation I'm tired of. And just my sister's dogged persistence in not  acknowledging my message, for years... it hurts +++ (and she knows it would),  So i'm not giving her opportunity to anymore. Give her what she wants from me - nothing. Took me a while to realise I was hurting myself to keep trying. The boys have always been aloof. 

With dad's Estate being settled ATM there's just too much paranoia that its safer to lay low & go through the solicitor. God willing I'm praying we'll reconnect down the track when there's no agenda to be falsely read into. I Ididtalk with older SIL re bro-1 so sick, and rang him for his birthday last week, so I'm not altogether heartless. The others twist everything I say and do, so... what's the point! No love lost there. When i was praying it came to me "you'll know them by their fruit" ... "where's the love?" 

Even my church going rich sister does not show love, not to me, the opposite actually (inc slander). Maybe I don't show love well either, I did withdraw into myself after the breakdown in my 20s then moved faraway, but I'm not vindictive, and keep trying.  It's just a stupid intermeshed mess that just writing about stresses me.
Anyway, Appreciate that you know what it's like to be damaged, and from damaged... but ever hopeful in God for healing, somehow.
I hope you and your son are doing ok? 

I betta go get something done here irl. Back later.
🌺💙💗💙💗

[Appleblossom]

Your def not heartless @Former-Member 

[BPDSurvivor]

@Appleblossom ,

The book looks soooo interesting!

Im really psych thrillers at the moment. Oh, and of course uni/study textbooks.

@Former-Member , main thing to realise....

You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you....

(no, it's not a typo. Read into it.)

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Appleblossom & @BPDsurvor 💕

[Former-Member]

Had to make a meme out of that one BPDSurvivor

[Appleblossom]

@BPDSurvivor Each to their own re books, but my appetite has more often leaned away from fiction, than the average gal, must be Madame Bovary and Flaubert's fault.

@Former-Member Love it.