Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison @Appleblossom @TAB 

I also get worried writing negative things about health care....hoping I won't be pulled up on it, but bad stuff happens in mental health system. I believe u. Those cold attitudes need to go from staff relating to vulnerable ppl and their safety!!

Well done on getting through and knowing what u and hm need. I hope he gets help and I hope ur OK? It's traumatic at times just encountering the mh system!

Trauma dump lol...no I don't think ppl use it outside of tiktok hopefully!!!

I hope u guys get a peaceful evening somehow. Cm sounded good, so hopefully they will be notified...maybe will help have her support. Hopefully she is back. Bit worrying when they take sick days and don't tell us....my previous cm was sick so so often like once a week, taking personal days. 

It sounds like a hard time, hope ur OK.

[maddison]

Little ones have been fed...Yeh I almost considered making a complaint about MH workers @EternalFlower . You are right, it is damaging to the public to have ppl like this employed.

I agree that patients/carers should be informed of cm absence. It is a courtesy. It is trust building & can empower patient/carer as being a team member. Perhaps even the receptionist could send out daily texts updating ppl? 

I'm sorry you are having a difficult weekend too😔 the flashbacks & nightmares you mentioned are very hard for me to imagine what that is like to have to cope with. 

When I was younger, in my 20"s, I can recall that a very kind female GP suggested that she thought I might be suffering PTSD. I never had an opportunity to look into it further. I am likely undertreated in terms of psych. Probably lots of us are. I'm unsure if CPTSD was a diagnosis 20 years ago, or is it new?

I think I can relate to parts of your experience.

It's different for me in that I have almost no memories of my childhood. I'm aware that I have behaviours that associated with abuse & neglect. 

I have lots of compassion for you @EternalFlower . Maybe you remind me of me, in another life. 

I have compassion for my friend as well ( even tho I can feel quite heartless about it all rn)- it's been so difficult since recent revelations. I can understand that drugs offer him an escape from himself. I don't know what it's like to walk in his shoes, or if I would even be capable. The betrayal & lies are what has been hardest to deal with. The awesome bond I thought we had, has been broken. He can see my heart is broken & he feels ashamed & even more worthless than he already did.

Added to that - is the physical symptoms of withdrawal.

Many mixed, confusing emotions. 

Thanks again for your insights & giving me your energy, when I know things are really hard for you too. Hope you find some calm too for yourself tonight.

 And I agree that the impulse buy rush is super fun!😊

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower @maddison @TAB 

Share housing can be very difficult, and it is not always easy to know where to draw the line and where to make compromises.  I have been there but not for a very long time... 40 years. i left home at 16 and saw a lot. Guess we live and learn to call things out when needed.  Living on one's own can be isolating, but at least it is not in your private space. 

CATT have not been great for me in last few years.  Not sure what they write in their files. 

I wrote a reply and lost it cos of timing out.

I saw a video on "Trauma dumping" yesterday and I have never been on tiktok.   Where to draw the line?  There had been mutual sharing on here and everyone is facing substantial challenges.  I have often struggled and kept things under wraps, then blurted something out and worried about disclosure. A lot depends on the people. Once there is a degree of openness, it can feel wrong not to be honest.  Ahhh decisions.

I need to go watch something to chillax.

[TAB]

Good idea re chilling @Appleblossom

[Appleblossom]

oh Dear ... @TAB Ki** Your Darlings and Allen Ginsberg is not that relaxing ...lol... Silly me.

[EternalFlower]

Always wanted to see it though @Appleblossom 

Is it the story of Allen and Jack Kerouac and an accidental murder? Have read the book.

Hope u don't have nightmares and get to Chillax!!

[maddison]

Hey @Appleblossom thought I might mention that if you go to your profile page, whatever you write should auto save. It could be under the _drafts section. I thought I lost an entire post yesterday when my phone battery drained. I went on PC & there it was, in my profile. Relief!! I think that is what you meant, or maybe I am misunderstanding.

Hope you're ok.

I struggle with how much too share. It sounds like you have something on your mind, but maybe not ready? You do you! 

I find other ppls stories really interesting. Eg. @TAB past encounters shared earlier. Wow it makes me feel so less alone knowing we are all dealing with substantial issues. If not currently, historically!

Thanks for sharing your experience with share house. I do crave a sense of private space. I wonder if females are slightly more sensitive to our privacy in that way?

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison @TAB @TAB @Appleblossom @Shaz51 

Hey @maddison 

I think trauma and it's treatments have changed so much in the last 10-12 years.

Cptsd is more spoken about, not from one traumatic incident, but from ongoing exposure

It can also be called developmental trauma ...

Getting a dx of trauma is oddly hard, the medical system will rush to say the symptoms of trauma are other things, imo.

The nightmares are something I struggle with, and disassociating, getting lost in a flashback, it's so scary sometimes.

Cm absence needs to be handled better. Have u got an option to call the duty worker? There should be a clinician available to call when cms are absent.

Sorry u have had such a rough time and felt so on edge, it's a lot. (in reference to lack of sleep).

I'm dreading tomorrow as I have too much on...

[TAB]

do you mean that was your ''chillaxing' ? @Appleblossom 

[maddison]

Yes, I have recently learned about duty manager @EternalFlower I'm becoming more proficient at advocating & learning about the system now, than I was, in recent months.

Thankyou so much for your input. I always welcome any tips you or others have, as there really is a learning curve. I think I resisted for many years as it all felt SO intimidating & I lacked confidence that my stance was of much worth. I always did find it peculiar that I was an expert at 'our combined lived experience' (hm & me). Though I never gave myself any credit in regards to professional nature of things.

Thankyou for explaining CPTSD to me. That is interesting you mention dx is difficult, I'm not fully understanding why the pushback in dx. My best guess is that once CPTSD is established, then treatment options & ongoing care might be similarly complex (as the diagnosis) am I in somewhat close to the right ballpark?

Its perhaps a dx that requires intensive, longer term investigation to be properly determined? I'm unsure.

Developmental trauma is another interesting term. It helps me to understand it from a different perspective. Yes, it could be 'developmental' as in 'growing up' . (Eg various trauma happened over extensive time during developmental years)That was my first thought. Maybe it also describes how the nervous system/psyche has changed or adapted in response to traumas. Eg developmental altering of processing information etc.

I'm not doing too well at explaining my thoughts! I think you might get it?! I wonder if I'm interpreting it with any significance?

Are you aware of recovery outcomes? You don't have to answer. I will do more research. I guess the idea with therapy is about managing "symptoms" & giving you tools to live as best quality life as possible.

I don't want you to ever hurt yourself. I am getting better insight why you have experiences of feeling like not wanting to be here. I can appreciate that you don't want to hurt yourself either - it's trying to find some, any way to give relief to the hell these flashbacks & nightmares must be to endure. I really hope I'm not saying anything wrong. Please know that me writing like this is a first experience for me. I don't know the right or wrong things to say. The idea of getting lost in a flashback - it's really horrifying.

It's really an incredible amount for one person to deal with. The disassociation is like the bodies way of shutting down - saying 'no more' - 'I'm at my limit.' ? It's like a protection?

It's too much @EternalFlower . From objective perspective you deserve & need any support that is available to you. Your continued perseverance shows super human strength & a profound human -ness, that I will never know. 

I'm always proud of you❤️

Thanks for your comfort re: my own edginess. 

I'm gonna check in tomorrow - it sounds like a busy day for you?

Thanks for sharing with me. Night 🌙