Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison I hope ur doing ok at home and finding the space not too heacy or weird without housemate. I hope it's a good change for him in hospital and he gets bit of support ...at least 

I felt super distressed post dr and maybe even self blame around choosing this dr. He has a registrar so I am able to speak to him but I get intimidated and don't know process of asking for him. It's not like my dr ever explained their roles or when I can speak to his secondary dr, R.

Snacks are good lol I need to restock 

I am ok and safe in my space here. 

[maddison]

Thanks for letting me know you are safe @EternalFlower 

Here is one of tools I really like. Maybe you like it, or not.

https://insighttimer.com/susitha/guided-meditations/healing-fear-with-the-love-of-i-am

It's about 11mins.

Thanks for asking how things are here. 

My thoughts/feelings are a little jumbled I guess.

I'm used to having company. So that part is really weird & quiet.

Although it is nice relief for me to get a break - I can't quite settle because I know there is no stability, - in that I'm not sure when he will be back. It could be 3 days or 3 weeks.

I have lots of hurts too, that I need to reconcile.

Things went pretty far this time.

He has hurt me in the past.

Idk - this time it's different?... Maybe idk? I guess it was the level of anger, misdirected at me - I'm not at peace with that.

I feel for you. Untangling protocols. 

Yep, can identify with self blame choosing medical professionals. It's good you can express that. See, I would be embarrassed to say that. You really are doing great job💚 

Here's the other thing that's confusing - for me!

It feels like we are stuck between feeling intimated or - then if we find our voice & become strong & assertive we risk being labelled 'a problem' - or professionals can feel challenged, which then also makes things awkward & weird! 

You are doing so good💜 I'm not sure if I am ? 

Did you know it was eclipse last night? Overwhelming feelings + changing old patterns.

[TAB]

..prob deserved @maddison  I've been known to say sh!t, be opinionated etc  ask @Appleblossom @Historylover @Bunniekins  ok anyone lol

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower

Just saying hello. Sounds like an awful session. Throwing oil on fire ... as they used to say.  Making it worse.  Go really gently with yourself, with SELF RESPECT.  Quietly drawing your lines in the sand about what is helpful and what is not.

The registrar is usually the junior (first year in practice) doctor under supervision of the senior dude. Personal choice can be over-rated when the range or circumstances are limited so do not blame yourself.  Some more experienced can be better, some younger more passionate can be better ... sometimes its the training ... sometimes it just the weird chemistry that is hard to explain that makes the difference.

I do believe personal agency can be empowering for us as individuals overall, but it is a lot more long term and subtle than any single choice of a yes or no ... or this or that ...

I do believe it is about cultivating a healthy "I am": an inner self that is self loving. Anyway I found such concepts helpful for me, way back in the day ... cheers  @maddison 

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower 

What's new in your life? Snack pile ok?

I feel like we are both in crisis at moment.

Things out here in unfunny farm are plotting/plodding along.

Spent the day on the phone researching options for me - while hm not here. Wish I could say I felt like I was getting somewhere!!! I mean, I can see definite options - what I'm lacking in a Huge way rn is support.

Maybe same for you?

Please tell me the horrible guy went home today! It will be good news of he did😄

Ok. ☮️ Out.

mads 

Hellooo @Appleblossom @Shaz51 sending you🍫 cause its better than 💜 ... Less confusing anyway🙃

[EternalFlower]

Hello friends @maddison @Appleblossom @Historylover @@Former-Member @Historylover 

Thanks for asking @maddison @he guy left today but he took eternity

He stayed til nearly dinner , delayed 

He had told me that he likes hospital and finds it fun and social...

So I guess he wanted to keep enjoying the party.

I'm sorry U are feeling in hard spot , researching can be draining, I hope U find the right path...not good that ur hm has hurt U before, but it sounds like there is beauty and love too at times 

@Appleblossom how are things in ur world ? It was very true what U write about the magic fit. It's hard to find 

I think I will stay maybe another week, I cleaned my space today and out my art on the walls. It felt monumental. My clothes were in a huge pile .

I wish I had visitors ...my friend came but was not so comfortabke, not about the hospital but it had stressed her finding it and then she seemed panicked and stressed as she'd had a rough day. So it was rushed and awkward.

Dr comes tomorrow . He granted me leave which was nice and extended it but I hsce to have someone minding me. 

[Former-Member]

I hope you can find someone to go out with you tomorrow! What would you do on your outing @EternalFlower?

Xx

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Former-Member I don't have many close friends who I share with , my one friend is Unwell with flu and my other friend came today.

[Former-Member]

Oh no, hopefully you can reschedule an outing when you're friends are available? Disappointing but maybe also something to look forward to. Is there an outside space you can sit tomorrow without a friend being present? Somewhere still on the grounds? 

@EternalFlower 

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower 🥳 for you that boy is gone. Wow, yeh waiting until after dinner seems late. I hope for his sake that he has good supports on the outside.

My hm says the same about the social aspect. I think it could possibly be partly true. Different people, different needs - I don't need lots of new faces, but for some this is good it what they yearn for.

I'm slightly into astrology - not really but yeh. HM astrological sign says he is the type that is always needing a new adventure, likes to travel etc

My astrological sign ♎ is about peace justice communication & art!

Thanks for picking up on that there is love & special times between friend & I. I will get there I think, not yet.

Mostly using this time to research as much as possible about options. I know it looks bleak, have discovered cpl gems that I didn't have access to earlier. Not really helpful, in the way I need. I think it's about choices available vs trapped? So doing my best to navigate out of the trapped mindset. It's not helping me or anyone else to believe that. It feels like lots.

Perhaps next visit with your friend will be better. They know directions now. Sorry that was difficult.

Did you make art in hospital? 💚💜