Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom thank u

The morning in the ed was ok

And kast night i saw a mh nurse who was wise and sharp. They referred me to a specific hospital for more trauma sensitive treatment but they said they have no psychiatrists available on the weekend to write the referral. So im sort of between.

The weekend things are sparse i guess bit that's when ive been int he ed historically, thats when things boil over.

I am broken and disgusting with myself for sticking with a dr who doesnt care about me enough to organis care while he is away. I asked him directly who can manage my meds and referrals while hes away and he said "its good to have a break and see u when i return."

I am stronger than him and this but weaker and my own worse enemy, not supporting myself.

I chose him as my dr even though i knew deep down this would happen, was just in denial and wanted to be done with it and not spend more time finding someone better.

[Appleblossom]

There are many factors in finding a good MH team.  Cost, distance, personality, trainings and philosophy. @EternalFlower It also depends on who is there and available.  Its not something we can totally control.  

I am glad you found some decent people in the ED.  The pity is that they come and go, but also the learning or insight can stay with you, after the person is long gone. I still think of people I met in my 20s who gave me some wisdom or care. I carry them with me and try and remind myself of the good, tho if i get overwhelmed I forget it myself ....

Gentle Hugs Bella

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom

@Appleblossom 

So wise. I keep a lot in and am very bad at expressing my feelings and feel i held in so much pain from this dr and it all fell apart.

Worst was when he coached me how to self harm.

He told me a way to do it. 

Not. Ok.

I am a traumatised person and my mind goes through loops and tricks to deny that a seemingly good person could be bad. I hate living like this, my own worst enemy.

I saw a tweet the other day that said...what if u got 50 000 but the condition was that ur worst enemy would be given 100 000? Good deal? Would you accept?

And someone replied, "Sweet...so you're telling me I would get 150000?"

Resonates.

@tonys @Zoe7 @StuF @TAB @tyme @

[StuF]

Hey @EternalFlower 

Sorry to hear all you're going through. It's great these forums are here as a safe space at least.

I can't add much more than others have done, but I Had to laugh at and thank you for that tweet you shared! Very dark humour...

I hope your evening is going well/ok/ish enough

[Oaktree]

Hi @EternalFlower 

Sorry that you are not feeling great at the moment. Is there a way you can switch to a different doctor? It doesn’t sound like yours is a good fit. I guess it all depends on where you live and how many doctors there are around to choose from.

I remember in hospital one time they talked about safe ways to SH, I guess so I didn’t accidentally hit something important. Maybe that was what was happening but yeah it’s triggering and possibly not helpful.

I, like Appleblossom, have had the care of some amazing Nurses over the years. I always seemed to find a favourite during my frequent in-patient stays. Luckily for me I have been out of hospital for about 2 years now. So happy about that. Things can and do change. I hope that you can hold on to some hope for the future. In 2020 they did a pharmaceutical review and finally changed my meds to something that worked. Would you believe that prior to that I was actually taking meds that worked against each other. I am glad that things have changed for me and I hope that things can change for you too. I do worry about you. 

Sending you hugs and best wishes,

Meggle

[tonys]

150,000 grand hey @EternalFlower.  And a sad truth is,  so much does come down to the dollar too.

Why are you always so disappointed in yourself Eternalflower.   I spend most of my life trying to find people like you. Always polite to me, kind, thoughtful but most of all, you never judge me for my strange ideas and way of expression.    People and life,  do like to wipe there feet on folks like you and I'm not sure why or what to do about that,  but Apple n Zoe would know.

All I do know is I make 49 bad decisions for every 50 good ones and thats enough to get me through.

Please don't keep devoting energy to regret, because then I'll have to as well.     I have made mistakes few would believe and I don't really have MH to blame.   You are in a high anxiety MH tunnel. Can anyone make all the right decisions there.

I sense the frustration that trying so hard can bring, but you are stronger than you know , I see it.

Change is in the wind. I see a huge funding package announced just tonight for social housing. 

A younger generation are coming through and they won't be content with the status quo. 

I see hope,  but some patience and trust will be needed, and we will need to march with these young 

soldiers and make way for there change. 

But thats for folks like me.   You mate.    must be there ,  just for you.

I actually clocked in to ask you a cooking question and now look at all my drizzle..

My best and and biggest hug goes to you @EternalFlower ..                                  tonys   mb  1 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys if i am honest as im now in my mid thrities i am worried about not having a child..i want to get well and find a safe home and partner and not leave this decade without that.

I dont like the waste of time. But its hard to make perfect choices and hard to ever know ...i was so pressured by my dr to see this psychiatrist...my gp...kept telling me he is the best psych and i need to be patient.

I think he is just another man who let me down.

We have seen each other for years and his words were 'sit tight. Take care. Maybe see u on my return." 

Crises. I now need another dr temporarily and am looking

[tonys]

Hi    @StuF    @Oaktree   @Appleblossom  @TAB 

How are you all.   Hope you are all finding a little fun and music in your day.  I hear its cold on the other side of window.  Sounds strange but I miss it a little.  Its an environment set on neutral here.       I don't trust weather I cant feel. 

   By whatever means, be it spirit, fire, favourite soft toy or person...   keep warm and happy all.

                                                                                                                                                     tonys.. 

Will check in on you later tonight   @EternalFlower 

[EternalFlower]

Stay safe all and welcome here always by me and everyone

@tonys @Oaktree @StuF @Appleblossom @Zoe7 

[EternalFlower]

Sweet to think of me cooking and bring the questions @tonys .

Are u making something special?

I read about a suicidal woman who got an interest in baking and it saved her life.

In the oven, checking the cakes, icing them....the process and the productivity (creating something new with her hands) was enough to keep her going.

I am in awe that every week i can learn new recipes...and have them up my sleeve.

Although every so often i just am so exhausted i cant cook. Hopefully the ndis helps with that.

The other night i made tacos and fried beans and it was delicious. I also learned to make a chickpea stew. But some nights i just feel like making toast.