Living with PTSD

[Shaz51]

Perhaps even take a walk on the 'other side', the Carers forums.  @Former-Member, will come looking my friend ,

[Former-Member]

Hi everyone.  Well its been almost 2 weeks since I was last here on my thread.  I had found it really difficult firstly to write my story a few weeks ago, have it published, then be asked to rewrite it a week later and still get rejected. In some ways I was regretting ever telling my story in the first place. In the end part of my story is still here, but not the way it really was for me.  So although I understand why it had to be sensored, its also very difficult to try to say what happened and how it affected me, without actually saying it.  It got that way I just couldnt think about it any more, hence my need to leave it behind for a bit.

Anyway, I spent some time on the Carers side in the interim, and am now feeling a little stronger and less triggered, at least for the time being.

I need to be strong too, because I have an upcoming family visit next week. I am going down mainly to support my brother during a court hearing in relation to the car accident he was in, the accident where his 11yo daughter died.  So I need to be in reasonable shape due to the need to be supporting other family members.  It will be far from a holiday or period of respite for me.

In fact its likely to be highly triggering, due to the circumstance with my brother and his SI and PTSD. And added to that I will be returning to the general location of where my own trauma took place, and unfortunately thats always very triggering.  One of the reasons I moved away from that area a long time ago.

I sold my house (where my trauma took place) to my sister about 20 years ago.  My PTSD would no longer allow me to stay there and I needed to get out of there asap. My sister had just returned from a long period overseas and needed a home as she had returned permanently.  So it worked out well for both of us in that respect.  She isnt aware of what happened there, and I would never tell her. However, she and her husband still live there, and that creates some difficulties for me.  I feel bad for always finding excuses not to stay there with them, but I just cant do it.  I elect to stay either with my parents who live 45 mins from there, or else with my brother who lives on a farm even further away. Silly isnt it, after such a long time and after numerous ptsd therapies?  Sigh.

So ... its a long drive for me next Wednesday - 6.5 hours driving time, plus stops, so an all day drive. I am taking my little dog Holly with me this trip, which will be nice. I havent taken her for long drives before, so I hope she is okay in the car for such a long  time. Do you think its selfish of me to want her with me?  I wonder sometimes, but she is such good company, I really feel I need her with me.  And with my long term back injury I will need to take plenty of rest breaks for a stretch and walk about so that also benefits Holly. I know all the best places to stop too, where she can have a bit of a run about.

I am already starting to get anxious about the whole thing, but hopefully I can hold it all together whilst I am down there.  If I fall apart once I get home, then so be it .. at least it will be job done and main goal already accomplished. Thankfully my hubby, whom I am carer for, will be away elsewhere for 3 weeks, so thats one less thing on my plate from next Tuesday.  One small respite.   If anybody has any suggestions to help me get through this period of difficulty, they would be most appreciated.

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @NikNik @Appleblossom @Former-Member

Sherry xx  

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am out at the moment @Former-Member .... I will get back to you later tonight about this one when I can give it my proper attention. Just wanted you to know I heard you .....

💜🌷💕

[Shaz51]

sending you hugs @Former-Member 

I think it is good that Holly will be with you , she will be  good company for you ,

I really feel I need her with me. -

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member  I'm very much on the periphery atm but I have dropped in here to read your post.  I am sorry I was unable to get here earlier, please accept my apologies but I have kind of had to detour around an unexpected road block.  Reading now.  💝

Oh btw I'm sure you're not happy with your Swanies.  :(....   I am very happy with my boys 👍

Tooky

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member  First thing I want say is the idea of you having to rewrite your story...  aggravating and hard to write my response to that.  Our stories are personal to us and to be asked to rewrite it, I don't know if I'd do it.  Especially to be asked twice.  I think you have handled that better than I would. I have a big thing about feeling validated because I've had to fight tooth and nail to prove what I have known for years, and being asked to rewrite my story would feel completely invalidating.  I know...  I understand the intention of the request, but I honestly don't know if I'd do it.  So good on you for handling it as well as you did.

The court date.  That's just so sad and, well I'm about useless on that.  I'll just say about your doggy...   you have stops and walks for you and your puppydog, so I don't think you should feel guilty or selfish you need to have your little poochie with you.  Just drive safely and come back to us to let it all out, because you will probably need an outlet when you get home. 

          💐🌸🌺🌹

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member ...... 🤗💕

I am sure it is hard to try to come to grips with telling your story when you can only allude to much of what happened, but I hope the initial telling of it was cathartic for you in the first place, even though you experienced after-shocks from that too.

I think it is a great idea to be taking Holly with you on your trip.  Of course she will need a lot of breaks, so that works in well for you anyway.

I think you are doing a sensible, self-nurturing thing not staying with your sister.  Keep to your own integrity.  

i can't think of what to advise you @Former-Member, other than to tell you I will be holding your hand along the way .... just sitting quietly with you in solidarity for what will be a difficult visit, to say the least.

Hugs ..... 💜💐💕

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Shaz51.  I am happy that Holly is coming with me, but I guess I just worry in case she gets hurt or something goes wrong.  But thats just me - I worry about literally everything.

But thanks for the hug, and I return one to you.  Hope you are okay, and that you have a good Sunday.

Sherry xx  

[Shaz51]

drive safely my friend @Former-Member 

and let us know how you went and we are with you xx

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member.  Sorry to hear that you have been negotiating some road blocks.  I am sorry I havent been around the forums very much, so am unfortunately not up to date with everyone.

Yes I was very disappointed with my Swannies yesterday.  But I was very happy to see poor old Essendon get up for a really good win for their long suffering fans. So I  am sure you were very proud of your team.

Yes regarding having to rewrite my story, it was really hard.  Like your own clip art story, would have been equally difficult for you I imagine.  So when it was published I felt a sense of relief.  Then it was taken down some days later and I was asked to reword a few paragraphs.  Which I did and resubmitted it.  Then it came back with more changes requested.  I was so upset about it, honestly.  What you say is very true, it was invalidating, along with the sense that what happened was not fit for society, and was no longer my story.  And stupidly this made it all seem so much worse.  So in the end I felt like just removing  the whole thing. But @NikNik suggested she would remove the "offending" large chunks of my original post and republish it.  So thats what happened in the end. But what's left does not accurately reflect what happened, and that's disappointing. Of course I did the wrong thing in the first place by not putting "may be triggering" on the subject line.  But back then I didnt know I could even do that.  Anyway thats all over and done with now. This is in response to your post too @Faith-and-Hope.

Yes the court hearing will be difficult for the whole family.  I just hope that by the end of it they agree that the investigating team simply did not do their job in properly investigating a fatal car accident.  Too remote a location for them to be concerned about and they did a truly negligent job in trying to find the cause.  Now its likely they will never really know because evidence of mechanical and airbag malfunction has been lost when they released the car to the insurance company to sell as spare parts and scrap metal.  Just attrocious how it was all handled.

My Holly will be my saving grace I think.  Plus my parents will be thrilled to bits to finally meet her.  My Mum loves dogs, but they are really not up to travelling the long distance to visit us here.  So the only time I see them is when we drive to them.  And generally my hubby wont allow me to take Holly.  The only reason she is coming this time is because hubby will be away, so cant argue.

The long road trip however is a little daunting, especially when you see so many horrible car crashes. I have continued to have nightmares about car accidents, and its likely a combination of the court case plus the prospect of driving there amongst the rat race of crazy drivers on our highways.  Plus I hate driving in the city as well, which I need to do enroute.

So thanks for your support, and yes I will definitely be in touch when I get back home afterwards. 

Sherry xx