CROSS

[Former-Member]

hello again @Appleblossom

i am just feeling the burning in the chest area and to me it seems like so much nervous energy therefore I am categorising it as anxiety.

anxiety for what I know and dread

anxiety for what might have been

anxiety for what might come

anxiety has an x in its letters... a cross

interesting

your comment about a way to legitimate some forms of anger at specific events behaviours had forgotten about that concept also.

when I was in UK I went to a donkey sanctuary that has millions of pounds donated. it is deemed to be the most profitable charity in  all the world! I always thought that would have been one of the churches.

My cousin pointed out to me that the donkey has a meeting of fur at it's neckline shaped in the form of a cross. I took some photographs where it is so distinctly a cross. The donkey of course was significant in the bible.

[Appleblossom]

There are also the feelings of desire and longing .. that can burn or hum away inside of us.

Whether it is that hope springs eternal... longing for what have been and what is yet to pass ...

Can I tell you about my day today where I became brimming full of feeling.

It is about my son and him pulling out of an opera last Saturday that had had great meaning for him a few years ago.  I was so thrilled that he had an opportunity to be part of it ... opera was not my thing ... but he decided to be a gentleman and let a princess and the pea girl ... have her "experience" rather than keep to his right to stay in it .. regardless of her unrealistic demands upon him.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom

A day filled with very mixed emotions and nervous energy. A time very difficult to contain one's emotions.

How old is your son?

Has he known this princess for very long? 

A mother son moment ....how are you feeling now?

we have to just stand to the side, sometimes and watch them make decisions that we don't agree with; so that they can learn that we love them unconditionally. Sometimes the outcome of there decision might teach them something also. We can live in hope.

enjoy your garden..feel the soil..feel grounded.

I need to return to an overgrown mass, tackling small areas at a time, whilst avoiding looking around at such a large overgrown area. That is if the gale force winds and lashes of rain allow me to walk outside.

[Appleblossom]

He is 24 and has known her 2 1/2 years but is trying to distance for a few very good reasons..

I am at my end. I cant find any more stones to turn over and make them be some kind of life for him.  To stay in the Opera could have been a life changer, but he is choosing to pull out of things.  When we met her she had virtually no live music in her life.  I ran into the mother today, who is happy with her progress  hmmm. but I cant help my own.

My SI is very high.  I dont really like this world. People are not very nice. Maybe I look in the wrong places. I am not equipped to make things better any more. I have tried everything I can.  Taken prn but losing long term motivation to stay.  Not really interested in spending next 10 years poisoning myself and being nice to doctors and modelling that as a life style.

While I am reading music and making a big noise there is not space in my head to make plans.  My mother was big on carrying one's cross, but she seemed to like mine to be heavy. Thanks for replying.

Your weather is out of control. Wait for a decent day.  Let the mess be and do it when it is an enjoyable time.  My garden is not big and establoshed now. It is why I started at the zoo as there is not much more greenie work to do there, apart from tidy up after neighbours & visitors who leave plastics and other rubbish about.

[Former-Member]

hello @Appleblossom

so sorry to hear that you are feeling that way.

your son has done very well to even start opera and to stay in the industry for a time.

He can always go back.

It is so hard when we finally see some hope for our sons and then they stop. We want to rush and rescue them but the truth is we must not.

They have to have their own life experiences.

My son got back into study at tafe and was working towards university courses. He was loving it then summer holidays and everything went downhill from there.

I was devastated when he was diagnosed and even more so when he fled.I wanted to make everything go away for him. I couldn't. I wanted to not be around any more because I felt that I had failed him miserably. This had to be the reason why his life had sunk so low. I am his mother.

Then I realised that no matter how much I dont want to be here, I have to be here. I have to show him that I am always here for him. I can't abandon him all the more so now. I cant abandon my other son also whom I love just as much. My husband and family, even a few friends still need me even though they might not see me that often as I isolate myself so much; struggle with this dreaded curse.

So dearest appleblossom, as low as you are feeling, you are so loved and cherished. you have achieved so much and please be proud.

Your mother was who she was for her own reasons. You do not need to measure your own worth by her actions or behaviour.

talk to me. I care. I am listening. I will try to respond as quickly as I can.

speak soon xxx

If he is able to get into university when he is 50, I dont care. Time is not relevant now. My prayers are for him to have a quality of life, have some happiness, fun, laughter and companionship. These are huge asks at the moment.

You love your son and he loves you. Continuing to be there when he needs you might be all that he wants for the moment.

[Appleblossom]

You are right.  @Former-Member Thank you. I know those things too, but I am so very very tired to keeping faith  for him, and so very alone. I know you suffer and care for your son and understand many ethics and processes in general ldevelopment and therapy.  I just needed to say that. I can hide behinde being a helper, but if I do that too much, I may find that the act is done in a hasty moment.

I need communion with the maturity of older women who have loved their children. @Owlunar has helped me.

I am also talking about the Emily Dickinson film as a quiet positive distraction.

About 4 years ago my son fell in love the aria "In Fernem Land". So it was him that introduced me to Wagner.  I have never been pretentious about opera (had 4 relatives in it, but it was a lot of racket to me. An uncle is joking with the founder of the opera company on fb atm.) I am still against the pretentiousness opera, but also I had to share some skills and passions with son so he had something to go on with. It was mainly me at home quietly playing the music from 2nd hand music with him singing.

The family of the girl are fond of Opera Australia season tix front row seats, but not much practical music. The mother is ambitious and pretentious. She was at a workshop yesterday and I did tell her to grow a conscience and not be smart alec, not sure what will happen tomorrow. Girl sang flat as a tack til we worked with her over a few years and raised her confidence.  It was really weird she insisted on coming into son's private singing lessons, which made me a bit wary and other things.

I am not convinced he should do music or singing, but it was from him.  He has not been in the industry for long, skirting on the edge. He is back on computer in room in reclusion, where he could have had the bump in this weekend.  Tomorrow we are going to Opening Night, as I bought a ticket for him, as some kind of follow through, and not to just drop things, and entertainment.  He was in most of the rehearsals just dropped out a week before show so at least he will be able to see it from the outside. That may be useful for him.

Stories of ideals and heroism.

[Former-Member]

hello @Appleblossom

You dont need to hide behind being a helper. You are talented, intelligent and a loving mother.

You help when you want to, not because you feel you should and you know all of this.

You have experienced the love and joy of music with your son. Many mothers would be envious of that fact.

The world is full of not very nice people sadly.

The pretentious lady, ambitious for all of the wrong reasons from the sound of it is of no concern to you. She will put on her false face and pretend to be someone she is not. Her loss.

Smile and enjoy the time together with your son.

I am not sure about what you mean of the need for communion with the maturity of older women.

Do you mean life experience with our children? Different for each and everyone of us.

keep on talking to us and asking questions but never, ever doubt your worth as a mother to your boy, regardless of pretentious ladies.

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @Former-Member

Yes I do mean talking with mothers, but not young ones.

Not that singles and young women or men dont have a lot to offer, but for the connection to have real benefit for me I need to relate about motherhood experiences. 

I became very isolated when I left work to be a young mum.  Yesterday I was in a Uniting Church and heard a young mum of one 7yo unburden herself in the back kitchen.  It was all good and she was heard and her child was doing well, but somehow, my stuff was far too complicated to be able to do that. So even if I let something from my mouth it was too hard for people to hear or respond to, so I had to save it up for therapy sessions which were too spread out to keep me on an even keel ... OR more importantly have enough time to tease out any one small matter.

I tried to let out things in bite size chunks etc, but without the whole picture most responses are inadequate.  Anyway I dont particularly want to be a "venter" I wanted to manage my life and family well.  Mostly I put a lot of good things in place but it was judged not good enough. Objectively in many ways it was good enough, but suicide and mental illness also scares the hell out of people, so they run for the hills. 

The difficult front row opera tix lady also has her struggles.  I am burdened by being the one who understands, but it has taken a very long time for me to get understanding etc ... and if I am always pushed back against the wall then my general functioning and capability falls and people can have the excuse to write me off ... as a loonie.... like my cousin did 2 months ago ... no-one in family stood up for me.

Neither my son or I are well atm. We had ham off bone and yum salad and mayo sandwiches for din.

I see us both gone, individually or together and that terrifies me. Just images out of the blue.  They cant really drug that away.  

Life line would only make things worse, because then I would just become a blubbering mess on the phone and he would worry. The only good that would come out of that would be to make the person on the other end of phone feel helpful. In a way it is good to be able to quietly type away. People want to make simple structures to sort all the problems.  I did register for peer support so I am on the list ... and the Royal Commission is coming up ... but I feel whats the point ... but am taking next step when I can ... have done a bit of being in bed today.  I wont post for a couple of days, because that opens the wounds, but I would like to talk about how the show goes, later.

I hope you had a few good moments, or did a few good things ... you are not a pet person or are YOU?

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom

I do love my children and I let them make their own way - I did STEP - aha - but I am not a step-parent

My son died but my daughter is a fantastic success - I can't take the failure of one nor the success of the other to heart - they chose their path

I had a read back on your thread - it sounds very complicated and too much when it's time I got up and stopped trying to type in bed. It must be very disappointing for you to have your son give up on Opera - how many people get to do thatt!!!!!!

Oh dear - I wish you the best - our children will do what they want to - I remember insisting on what I was going to do - and also do what my parents wanted and produce a family - neither pleased my mother 

Thinking of you Apple

Dec

[Former-Member]

good morning @Appleblossom

you have much on your mind at the moment

I am sensing that many feelings are coming to the fore partly because of your son's decision to not continue with opera

that is very hard as a parent, knowing that the dream that they followed was so courageous and beautiful, possibly one we would never dream of for them, that dream has changed suddenly for some reason.

even harder is stepping back, letting them know that you are there for him if and when he needs to talk about anything, you will always love him

inside you might be feeling differently; angry that he has thrown away such an opportunity.  an opportunity that you never had. you had a far more of a struggle growing up. you are still struggling at times

you are also out there in the real world, doing so much

upcoming of royal commission would have an horrendous effect on both of you

you are both physically unwell

yes do not open up such tender wounds. be gentle with yourself. little steps occasionally, making sure that strategies are in place

talk on here about the singing if you wish to unload

a cross to bear I just thought of

I know that I too have so much cross inside of me for me for my sons

i have to be so very careful how I release so much cross, when, where and how, with whom.

talk when you can xx