Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

[Determined]

Hi @Former-Member, @Shaz51 @Former-Member & everyone

How are you all today?
I really trust things are doing better for you and yours. I have been following your stories but have not had an opportunity to respond.

Apologies for not responding to your messages before this, it has just been an awkward couple of days, and I still don’t know quite what to say, It hasn't been bad, but it certainly hasn't been good so feeling a little weary and lost at the moment 😞

I am concerned that my darling in on the verge of another meltdown, the problem I am just tired and 'over it' so finding it hard to keep a smile on my face. (My darling can't function if she perceives I am not coping so this is not helping her). My problem is I keep feeling responsible for fixing things. I like @Former-Member s comment that we cant love someone back to health (doesn't stop me trying) and the link to the mhr4c page. This has given me some motivation for change (particularly the distinction between care giver v care taker). Something for me to work on.

Study is a good distraction but I am finding it hard to get into and do the review work necessary to do well so at the end of week 2 am already behind where I need to be  a teething baby with a cold sleep and associated lack of sleep is not helping with this .

We have friends from church coming on the weekend for a catch up bbq so looking forward to that, just need @shaz and mr Shaz to come and mow for me and clean my bbq area lol  its a good thing our friends are not fussy.



[Determined]

Hi @Maryjune @Mazarita

How are you both today, I trust everything is well,
I have been reeding your stories and just wanted to add my welcome to this space.

D

[Mazarita]

Thanks @Determined, your welcome is appreciated. 🙂

Perhaps some of the others in this thread might wonder why I am here in this thread, given that I am not clearly a carer myself. A few reasons:

• to support @Shaz51, a good old online friend from 'the other side' (lived experience forum)
• to possibly discover ways I can deal better with the vagaries of my companion's sometimes strangeness, as well as to understand more deeply the impact on him of my mental health issues
• to offer support to others here if I have something useful to give.

🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am out at the moment, but checked the forums, and I just want to say that the value of lived experience can't be over-estimated, both from the lives experience of a carer's role, and the lives experience of someone struggling to come to terms with the "emotional language" of an mi from personal immersion in it. Both have so much to learn from, and enlighten each other ....

❤️💕

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined<br><br>Sending a bear hug and a reminder that we are here for you when you feel overwhelmed.<br><br>It must be really hard for you, getting good sleep can be hard enough when worry dominates without a teething bambino thrown in.<br><br>When Mr Darcy came out of hospital last time to reduce stress I realised I needed to simplify as much as possible. All unnecessary tasks went out the window. The initial guilt has long gone as it became apparent that quality of life was not reduced (in some cases it was enhanced).<br><br>Had to smile about the SOS to Mr &amp; Mrs @Shaz51 The dog shit seems to be a problem at our place if I don't keep on top of it... I am not the tidiest person and I found the 'space' principle helped me. This is slightly adapted from a book by Julie Morgenstein which might help with the inevitable pre visitor clean up blitz. Containerising made all the difference for me. Outdoor games are stored in 2nd hand containers (bins, old tea chests, etc) picked up for free or cheap. Icecream containers are great, square is better than round. If things have a home they are more likely to be returned to it.<br><br>Sort<br>Put out - get rid of<br>Allocate a space<br>Containerise<br>Evaluate<br><br>Love is the best gift you can give someone. Your friends are coming to see you not your house. <br><br>Take care bro<br><br>Darcy<br>

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51
First question coming up, might as well throw in a hard one. Do you find with the ups and downs that tenderness can be a casualty. Talking about the gentle touches on the arm or hair (not bedroom activity).Still get hugs but miss these other intimate gestures.
Darcy

[Determined]

Hi @Former-Member thanks for the hug 

Lol, our pre visitor clean up blitz conists of bundling everything up and stuffing it into the shed probably never to be seen again. Have tried the container idea here but they just end up as storage for everything other than the intended. Dog nests are an issue here also. 

Agree the friends are here to see us and looking forward to the company despite the lack of order. One couple actually think our place is tidy... scary....

[Determined]

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@Former-Member wrote:
Hi @Shaz51
First question coming up, might as well throw in a hard one. Do you find with the ups and downs that tenderness can be a casualty. Talking about the gentle touches on the arm or hair (not bedroom activity).Still get hugs but miss these other intimate gestures.
Darcy

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Hi @Former-Member

Hope you don't mind me jumping in on this one but I would have to agree with that.   I sometimes dont even get the hugs. Something I struggle with as I am naturally a cuddly contact sort of person 😟

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Mazarita, @Maryjune 

I will be back , I see my name written a lot , so I will read them and answer soon my friends

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Determined @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Mazarita @Maryjune

This is one of the hardest areas for me.  My hubby's eating disorder has taken out all of the gentle touch and intimate gestures .... but it probably stemmed from me and he has carried it on from there ....

I found I had to pull away when he bacame so thin, but muscle bound, and therefore a combination of boney and too hard / solid to find a niche to rest my head against in his shoulder or anywhere, that it horrifies me to try to hold him physically.  The emotionally abusive and controlling behaviours that have altered his personality appalled me, and I couldn't pretend that it was okay ..... now in our softer moments we may briefly touch, but even his hands don't feel the way they ought to and it's too  emotionally taxing to want to touch him, yet to feel unable to cope with the feelings that this elicits.  

He, in turn, has taken my assertions that the way he is living is not healthy as a personal rejection, but again, I can't pretend otherwise, and his unhealthy regimen is so all encompassing that it takes up most of your view if you don't avert your eyes to other things in life.

We are really just treading water .... continuing to co-parent and share a home and lifestyle, but the sense of personal relationship is only held in place by our history, and our family relationships, not by our current interactions.  It feels like he has bee supplanted by a twin with a completely different personality, and altered value system.

i really didn't understand from the outset of this form of eating disorder that this could happen, that this was the nature of the new beast we were dealing with ... under the BED e.d. that preceded this version, he was just so warm and lovable.  I feel cheated out of my husband .....